


A Heart's Duty

by Midnight_Goldstone



Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: F/M, Historical References, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Reader-Insert, Romance, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, World War I, reader - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2018-07-27 02:06:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 27,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7599226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midnight_Goldstone/pseuds/Midnight_Goldstone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vivian Sinclair is a hardworking young woman. With no parents, between running the dairy farm and looking after her confused twin Charles, it all comes down to her. The year is 1916 and the war rages on, on the continent. So far their lives have remained virtually untouched by the war until the rallying company rolls through town with the list of men's names destined for the war. When she hears her brother's name called she knows that if he goes off to war she'll never see him again. Ever since the deaths of her parents Charles has been deeply affected by the loss of them. He stopped talking in complete sentences and seemed in a perpetual state of childlike wonder. Vivian decides to take the place of her brother to save his life. She cuts of her hair, straps her chest and picks up her rifle. Her company is captained by Thomas Hiddleston and she admires him greatly, would gladly die for him. She soon begins to wonder if her feelings are just admiration or something more. Navigating her way through the Battle of the Somme becomes increasingly difficult as she tries not to show her true feelings or identity to her superior officer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic can be read as Reader centric, the reason why I gave the character a name and will describe her features is just for ease of writing as this will probably be longer and more elaborate than any of my previous works. If there are any historical or factual inaccuracies then please don't hesitate to notify me of them. While this is meant to be like a Historical Romance I will inevitably have to falsify some facts.

Vivian grunted as she heaved the last of the hay bundles off the truck and into the field beside her. Sweat dewed her forehead and made her shirt sticky, it was late May and already it was getting warmer. Work would get harder on the farm and with no one but a few farmhands, Vivian had to do most of the work herself. She sat in the bed of the truck as she sipped from a flask of water. The sun was setting over the dairy flats and she watched as the cows grazed peacefully. Life had gotten predictable for Vivian since the deaths of her parents when she was eighteen years old. Once she had been taught to act like a lady and how to capture the heart of a good man to be wedded to and bear his children. But now she woke up at dawn fed the chickens, cleaned the stables, milked the cows, drove the milk to town, fixed whatever had inevitably had broken on the farm. Her life was hard especially since her twin brother Charles was not the same as he was when their parents were alive. He needed to be looked after and that added to the workload of Vivian but she would never neglect her brother. She loved him more than anything and she would continue to run this farm so she could keep food on his plate and his family home's roof over his head. 

Ever since the war had started Vivian had always dreaded the loud music and speeches of valour yelled into the megaphone. She hated when the recruiting teams came through town filling the boys' heads with dreams of bravery and sacrifice. But what she hated even more were the enlisters. Those men with the long lists of names bound for the death and destruction that raged on in Europe. As much as she hated attending them, Vivian always went to the town square and waited anxiously as the soldiers read the names of the boys who might never come back home. Two years into the war and Vivian was relieved she had never heard Charlie's name but she felt that their luck might soon run out. Even if Charlie wouldn't be deemed fit to hold a gun she was sure that the soldiers would find some use for him on the continent so she prayed that his name would never be called. 

She sighed as she jumped down from the truck and made her way back up the hill towards the little farm house they called home. Vivian knew that Charlie would have dinner ready when she stepped through the door. Although he didn't speak much at all these days he could still understand what was being said to him. He helped where he was able, milked the cows, brushed the horses, collected the eggs. Vivian was grateful for these little tasks that he did, it meant that her load was just that much lighter. She knew how hard her brother tried and her heart always warmed when she'd walk into the kitchen and Charlie would be waiting there with a hunk of bread, some cheese and slices of ham for her and the biggest smile on his face. He was the sweetest thing in her small and lonely world and Vivian was grateful to have her brother with her no matter that he was different. 

When she stepped into the little house she quickly kicked off her muddy boots and washed her face in the basin by the door. She could hear Charlie humming a nonsensical tune in the kitchen and she smiled. When she stepped into the warm light of the kitchen Charlie was standing there with a tea cosy on his head and big grin on his face. Vivian laughed out loud at his antics and Charlie's grin grew wider to know that he had made his serious sister laugh. 

"Hello Charlie, how was your day?" Vivian asked as she sat down at the table and pulled her plate towards her. 

Charlie only replied by nodding at her and taking the cosy off his head. He sat across from her and dug into his own dinner. 

Vivian gazed at her younger twin as she chewed on the fresh bread and cheese. His dark ebony hair curled past his ears reminding her that he would need a haircut soon. His green eyes glinted in the lamplight and she smiled knowing that she looked almost exactly the same to him as he did to her. When they were children if Vivian hadn't have been wearing a dress their own mother wouldn't have been able to tell them apart. In fact they had often swapped clothes for a day and do what the other twin would normally do. Vivian would ride horses and help her father with the cows and Charlie would be taught how to sew and cook. But as they grew older Vivian began to look more like a woman and they weren't able to play their tricks on their parents. Her own hair was darker than Charlie's practically black and cascaded down to her waist in loose curls. She kept it in one braid most of the time to stay out of the way but when she combed her hair out at night Charlie loved to run his fingers through her hair. Her eyes were an emerald green with flecks of gold in them where Charlie's were a moss green through and through. They had similar mouths but Charlie's lips were a bit wider and hers were slightly smaller but more plump. She used to cry when she was little and realised that she no longer looked like the mirror image of her brother. 

After supper, Charlie helped her clean the plates and followed her upstairs to wash up before bed. Vivian tucked him into bed in his bedroom that was still filled with the toys from their childhood. She smiled down at her beloved brother as he cuddled his little cow that their mother had made for him. She kissed his forehead and blew out the lamp in the sconce by the door. 

As Vivian sat on her bed taking her hair out of the braid she thought about what it would be like to not have to live on the farm, to not worry about profits and tractors breaking down. She wished that she could have an adventure, that she could see the world. But Charlie loved the farm more than anything, it's where he was most happiest, even taking him to town was a struggle. She would have to put her dreams and musings in the closet where put all her other whims she couldn't act upon. No matter how bone tired she was of running the farm, she would never give it up and she would never leave her brother behind. 


	2. Chapter 2

A week later as Vivian was selling her latest batch of milk to grocers in town she heard the distinctive call to arms, a man yelling into his megaphone about the glory of war and what all the brave men are seeing in Europe. Dread filled the pit of her stomach as she turned around and watched as the horse-drawn carriage pulled up in the middle of the square. A small crowd gathered around and listened keenly for the names to be called. As each name was called Vivian breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn't Charlie's. 

"Sinclair, Charles," announced the man. 

Vivian felt the air in her lungs woosh out and she had to grab a hold onto her truck to stop from collapsing. She felt a few heads turn towards her and the people gave her sympathising looks, they all knew that poor, simple Charlie wouldn't be coming back. Vivian ignored their looks as she walked towards the men and collected the letter with information for Charlie. Only when her truck wheels touched the soil of their land did she let the tears fall and before too long she was sobbing against the steering wheel. She couldn't bear to see Charlie go off to war. He would surely die, whatever problems he already had would become worse from the gunfire. Everyone had heard of the soldiers who had returned from Europe with that condition called shell shock. She began to think of what she might do. Perhaps they could petition Charlie's call to arms, make a case for his condition. But since the doctors could not find anything strictly wrong with Charlie she knew it would be in vain. She could make Charlie run away, but she would have to go with him and with how he loved the farm they wouldn't last long running, he would only get worse and if they were ever caught Charlie would be killed as a deserter. Vivian couldn't risk his life like that, but she couldn't let him go to war because he was in just as much danger of being killed. She thought of all the times she had donned his clothes on, all the times she had gone to church dressed as Charlie and not even their friends could tell the difference. 

Vivian knew what she had to do. She drove the rest of the way home and went into the bathroom. Picking up a pair of scissors she grabbed her long locks and started snipping away. She watched fascinated as her hair became shorter and shorter until it was just under her ears like Charlie's. She couldn't believe the difference, she really could pass for Charlie. She grabbed some bandages from the cabinet and walked into her bedroom. She stripped her shirt off and stared at her body, luckily she was quite slim and narrow in the hips, she had a subtle curve that she doubted would be noticed once the uniform went on. Her breasts were small, their peaks hardly needing undergarments for propriety, she could go without and no one would know better. Her body was strong, her arms and belly toned from all of the hard labour she did, day in day out. Training would be hard but she was a fast runner and she'd be able to keep up with the men. She knew how to shoot, her target practice had improved significantly and she could now shoot moving targets. She had more advantages than most of the men joining this war. She would got to the Western Front, she'd fight the Germans or the Italians, and then she would come back. Come back to Charlie and the farm and they'd be together again. 

She'd have to tell someone about what she was planning, someone who knew Charlie well and would look after him and keep her secret. Mr McIntosh, one of her farm hands and her father's best friend would look after Charlie. He wouldn't risk both their lives and he would be able to keep the farm running in her absence. She'd have to come up with a story for why she would no longer be seen in town. She could say that she was going to become a nurse so that she could hopefully look after Charlie that way. Everyone would believe that, they knew how much she loved her brother. Since Charlie hated leaving the farm they'd have no problem with him being seen by anyone from town. No one came up to the farm apart from the farm hands and McIntosh's family, all of whom they could trust. 

She wrapped the bandages around her chest tightly and pulled her shirt back on, not even a hint of her feminine curve could be seen. With her voice lowered and a stronger walk no one would think that she was a woman. She heard the front door open and close and then Charlie was racing up the stairs, clearly excited about something. He burst into her room and stopped in his tracks as he took in her appearance. His eyes widened as he reached up to see if her hair truly was gone. She saw tears gather in his eyes as he touched her cropped hair. 

"Oh Charlie, it's alright, I've got all of my hair in the bathroom and you can have it if you like. It'll grow back, don't you worry." 

She could see the question in his eyes and she gently placed her hands on his shoulders. 

"It happened, brother. They called your name, you're expected to sail to war in a month. There's no other way to keep you from going except for me to take your place. Do you understand? I'm doing this to save you Charlie. I'd never let you go to war, I'd never make you leave this farm. I'll always be here to protect you." 

Charlie started shaking his head but Vivian just hugged him to her chest and shushed his silent protests. She knew that this was the only way and that Charlie knew this too. 

* * *

 

The next day she drove to the next town where the admissions centre was. She was to register as having received her summons and collect a uniform. In three days she would leave with the troops to go to the training facilities. Mr McIntosh already knew what she was doing and although he had begged her not to go through with it, eventually he accepted that she would do anything to save her brother, even risk her own life. She parked her truck outside the field that was being used to accommodate the young men registering their names and signing their fates away. Vivian was dressed in a pair of her brother's trousers and one of his shirts. Her hair was combed back and by using an eye pencil she had thickened her eyebrows enough to make her look more man-like. She joined the queue of excited young men and found it hard not to scoff at their ridiculous fantasies of what joining the army would be like. Some were going to see the world, others were going to make their families proud and one especial idiot was doing it because a girl said she'd be his girlfriend if he went. 

When she neared the front of the line she had a better view of the recruiting officers. The man crossing off the names in her queue had an officer's hat sitting over his strawberry blonde curls. Her heart started beating faster as she realised she was next, the next few minutes were crucial, she had to play her most convincing role of her brother. It was now or never. 

"Last name please," the officer called out as she reached the desk. 

"Sinclair," Vivian said in her best parody of Charlie's voice. 

The officer didn't seem to find anything wrong with her performance and began scanning the lists under "S". Vivian sighed relief and let her shoulders relax. 

"Sinclair, you said?" An older man standing behind the men taking the names looked over her way. He had a thick moustache and a hard look about him, seemed familiar yet Vivian wasn't sure where she'd seen him before. 

"Eh. that's right sir, Charles Sinclair," Vivian replied. 

"I knew your father from the Boer War, that man saved my life. Broke my heart when he and your mother passed. Perhaps you remember me, son, I went to the funeral." 

Vivian's memory kicked in and she suddenly remembered the man who was present for one of the worst moments in her life. 

"Colonel Peters! Yes, I remember you now. I'm sure it would have meant a lot to my father to have you present at the funeral." 

Colonel Peters gave a big smile at Vivian's words. 

"Lieutenant Hiddleston, make sure this young man is in your division. His father was the best in our division and if this man is his father's son then you couldn't ask for a better soldier."

Hiddleston appraised Vivian and she struggled not to squirm or blush under his gaze. His eyes were such a shade that she found it difficult to work out if they were green or blue.

"As you say, Colonel Peters. I'm sure Charlie here will do well." The Lieutenant directed his look to Vivian and nodded over to a tent that had a queue of men lined up outside of, "Head over there to collect your uniform. You're expected back here at dawn in three days." 


	3. Chapter 3

Vivian woke up before the roosters had even started their heralding. She washed her face in cold water and then turned towards her freshly pressed uniform hanging up from her wardrobe handle. For who knew how long, this uniform would be what she would wear. She'd fire guns in it, kill people in it, serve her country in it and she might even die in it. But she couldn't die, if she did then they would discover her secret and Charlie's life would be in danger then. There was no other choice than to survive, do whatever it took to survive even when that meant killing another human being. Vivian began to methodically dress herself, the never before worn fabric itching her skin. When she was finished she barely recognised herself, finally she placed the helmet on her head and she thought that she really could be a man. Dressed in the khaki uniform Vivian grabbed her duffel bag that would serve to carry whatever possessions she would need. She had packed plenty of writing paper, envelopes and ink so that she could write to Charlie, although she wouldn't receive replies from her brother Mr McIntosh had promised to keep her updated on her brother and the running of the farm. 

Vivian made her way downstairs where Mr McIntosh and Charlie were waiting. She would be driven to the recruitment station by Mr McIntosh but Charlie would have to stay behind, no one could see him. Charlie looked forlorn as he watched Vivian hitch her bag onto her shoulder. Tears pricked Vivian's eyes as she looked at her brother, the only family member she had left and her best friend of nearly twenty-one years. They had been inseparable since birth and now she was going off to war in his place. She swiftly strode over to her brother and pulled him into a tight embrace. She buried her face into his dark curls, so like her own now, and smelt his familiar scent; a mix of hay and honey, his favourite treat. Vivian could feel her brother's shoulders heave as he sobbed for his sister leaving, she tried to quiet his tears, not wanting him to cry for her lest she start crying too. She needed to be strong and she couldn't have her fellow soldiers see that she had been crying, she'd never live it down. 

"Hush now, Charlie. Don't cry, darling, I'll be fine. You'll see, one day I'll come walking up over that hill and I'll have returned to you. I'll never leave you again after that." 

Mr McIntosh cleared his throat indicating that it was time to go. Vivian squeezed her twin one last time and pulled him back to kiss his forehead, just like she did every night. Charlie clinged to her uniform and she had to pry herself from his grasping hands though it broke her heart to do so. 

"Goodbye Charlie. be a good lad for Mr and Mrs McIntosh, show them the ropes around the farm," she winked at him. 

Charlie grinned at that and pointed to the chickens eggs he had already collected. 

Vivian gave a huge smile at that, her brother never stayed down long. She walked out into the cool pre-dawn air and turned towards her little farm house, her only home. She wondered when she would see it again. Vivian gave her brother one last hug then hopped up into the truck, she waved to her brother as they drove away from the house, her brother silhouetted by the light in the house. 

They didn't speak much as they drove towards the next town, there wasn't much to say, they were both thinking the same thing, what would happen if she didn't come home? 

Once they arrived at the field the sun was just beginning to rise over the hills in the distance, the horizon was tinged orange and the blue sky was slowly being swallowed by the light of the sun. Vivian shouldered her pack and turned towards the man who would be looking after her brother and the farm for the forseeable future. Mr McIntosh gave her a wry smile and took his hat off. 

"You'll keep your head down over there, won't you? I know you can shoot, your father taught you how so I know I won't have to worry about you too much." 

"Thank you for everything, Mr McIntosh. Look after Charlie." 

"Will do, lass. Stay as safe as you can." 

Vivian smiled at the old farmer and turned away heading towards where the young men were lining up to get into the trucks that would take them to the training camps. She spotted Lieutenant Hiddleston in the people milling about, shouting names and crossing them off on his clipboard. She made her way over to him and he smiled when he looked up and saw her. 

"Sinclair, right?" 

"That's right, sir," Vivian smiled, he had remembered her name. 

"Line up over there in front of that truck, you'll be riding with me and the rest of the men joining my division." 

Vivian nodded and made her way over to the truck that he had pointed out. All of the men standing there seemed to be about the most mature of the entire crowd, they were all standing confidently without a shred of fear in their eyes. She couldn't believe that Colonel Peters had suggested her for this division, she would have a hard time keeping up with this team. As she approached them the men turned to face her and started sniggering, clearly they found her assignment just as misplaced as she did. 

"Who are you, the runt of the litter?" The man who spoke was heavily built, looked like he would be able to pull an artillery weapon all by himself. 

"I'm Sinclair," was all that Vivian replied with. She wasn't going to start any trouble especially not on her first day. 

"You look like you're going to shit yourself at the first gunfire you hear," the man said, coming closer so she was able to count the freckles on his bulbous nose. 

"You must be familiar with that look, seeing as how your mirror probably reflects it everyday," Vivian threw back. Sometimes the only thing you could do with bullies was to hand it right back to them, you'd either get punched for it or respect and she'd take her chances. 

The group around them roared with laughter at her reply but Vivian kept her eyes on the hulking man before her, he seemed to be measuring her up again. He seemed to find what he was looking for because he joined in with his mates laughing. 

"You might be small, but you'll do alright. The name's Miller." 

"I'm Hill," a tall, wiry fellow with eyeglasses said, holding out his hand. Vivian shook his hand and squeezed harder than a lady should. 

"Nice to meet you, I'm Wright," said a young man with a shock of red hair on his head. 

"Murphy," grunted a man with dark hair and darker eyes, he looked calculating, Vivian noted to steer clear of him. 

Lieutenant Hiddleston approached them then and gazed at the troupe before him. 

"Alright men, time to head off." 

With that, they all climbed into the back of the truck, Vivian got in last and gazed out the back of the truck as they drove away. Through the dust on the road she could see the hills where her dairy farm lay. She forced herself to remember that image so she could carry it with her into the dark days ahead. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From the research I did of basic military training in the British Army during World War One, the men were put through three months of training before being sent off to war. Obviously my one month training isn't correct so please ignore that.

Training for the war began with waking up at the crack of dawn, running two miles and then breakfasting on porridge. From there they went to the shooting range and had lessons in proper weapon care, afterwards they did sparring before going off to lunch. Once lunchtime was over they completed the obstacle course with packs on their backs and then they learnt marching forms. Day in day out, Vivian was pushed to her limits, training was tough, but maintaining her facade was even more challenging. She had to get up earlier than everyone else in order to bathe and just interacting with men without giving away anything was more difficult than she thought. But she was getting along well, she hadn't fallen behind in her training, even though she was far from the best Lieutenant Hiddleston was pleased with her progress. Tomorrow they would have a theory exam and Vivian was in the library preparing for it though she felt confident. 

The library was almost always quiet, in the facility for training soldiers this came as no surprise. Vivian was reading up on the history of the British Army knowing that it would be on the test and could potentially come in handy during combat. She was startled out of her studying when she felt a warm hand rest on her shoulder. She looked over and saw Lieutenant Hiddleston inspecting what she was reading. 

"Excellent. You'll do well on the test tomorrow," he said, smiling at her as he sat down beside her. 

"Thanks for the hint, sir," Vivian said grinning back at him. His hair looked scruffy and she wondered what it would be like to comb her fingers through his waves. 

"Please, when we aren't in front of the others you may call me Tom." 

Vivian didn't know what to say to that so she just smiled. Although she needed to be more careful now than any other time she felt completely at ease in Tom's presence. 

"I know that all the other lads cannot wait to ship off to Europe, but what about you?" 

"I don't know about the war, but I'll miss my sister," Vivian replied. 

Tom raised his eyebrows.

"Your sister. Not your sweetheart?" 

"No, she's my twin. We've never been apart longer than a day in our lives." 

"That's fascinating, I should like to meet her one day. It'd be so strange to see a female version of you." 

 _You don't know the half of it_ , Vivian thought wryly. 

"I don't know about this war either to tell you the truth, Charlie. It's unlike anyone has ever experienced before, it seems that nothing daunts the Germans. No win will make them change their minds and just surrender. Truly, I know not what will happen." 

"I'd be very impressed if you did know what would happen. But I suppose there's nothing that we can do except help our brother's in arms and pray the war ends soon. I pity the German soldiers, they're helpless to follow the orders of their misguided superiors. At least the French and British have pure motivations; we're defending those that are unable to on their own." 

Tom looked surprised by her words and he gazed at her a long time curiously before he smiled widely at her. His eyes sparkling with something she couldn't identify. 

"Quite right. I'll let you get back to your studies, though your words indicate you really don't need it." 

With that, Tom left the library, leaving Vivian wondering about her feelings for her commanding officer. 

* * *

The month passed faster than she thought and then they were sailing across the Channel, towards their fates. The lads had decided to get drunk on the rum that Miller had smuggled from his mate in the kitchens, and being in the division and with nothing better to do Vivian decided to join them. Vivian had never been drunk before and she liked the feeling that had settled in her belly, a lightness that made her feel like running a mile wouldn't be very difficult at all. Everything had fuzzy edges and she felt happier than she had since leaving home. The lads were good fun to be around, boisterous and acting just like her brother Charlie would when running wild on the farm. But when they started pulling out photographs of ladies of the night and talking about their tumbles in the bedroom Vivian begged a headache and went to go find fresh sea air. 

Navigating the ship at night proved harder than she thought in her drunken mind but when she had finally found the prow she was pleased to find the sky clear and the moon full and luminous. She giggled to herself as she found a large wooden crate to sit on. The stars were beautiful in their bright thousands, the sea air was invigorating and made her feel even better than before. She quickly turned around when she heard footsteps but sighed in relief when she saw that it was just Tom. 

"Evening!" she called out, perhaps slightly louder than she had intended. 

Tom smiled down at her and took in her appearance, his grin grew wider as he observed her obvious intoxication. 

"I see one of the lads managed to find alcohol on this ship. Well it was bound to happen, though I did think it would be sooner," Tom chuckled as he sat beside her. 

"I'm terribly sorry that not one of us thought to invite you, sir," Vivian said quite sincerely. 

Tom threw back his head and laughed out loud at this and she gulped at the vision of his exposed throat illuminated by the pearly moonlight.

"You're drunker than I had previously thought, private. I must say, you wear it well. I don't think I've seen you this free in your expression this whole time I've known you." 

"That'll be the rum. It's known to loosen one's conviction," Vivian, not quite knowing what she was saying. 

"Indeed. So then, why aren't you with the rest of the merry band?" 

"They had begun to talk about women and their many indulgences and I was no longer interested. Besides the night is so lovely out here, I'm glad I did depart their company." 

"You didn't have your own lewd stories to add?" 

Vivian only blushed and Tom smiled knowingly at her. They sat in silence for a while, gazing at the moonlit ocean that stretched endlessly before them. Vivian wasn't sure how long they sat there before Tom suggested they turn in and he helped guide her back to her dorm. She was grateful for the help as she was completely knackered and still very much drunk. As she lay on her bed, not sure if the rocking sensation was caused by the waves or the alcohol, she smiled as she thought of how Tom had looked under the moonlight. 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Being away from Charlie didn't get any easier as the weeks ticked by. But Vivian got used to the loneliness in her heart, she made do with the rambunctious bunch around her, they would all need each other before the end. She tried her hardest to stifle the rising feelings that she felt for Hiddleston, his kindness to her was just because he saw her as the little brother of the group; the one needing a helping hand. But she couldn't help the way that she gazed at Tom's throat when he spoke, the way his hair ate up the sunlight and became ever more like copper. Sometimes she wished that they could have another conversation like they did when she was drunk but then she would stop those thoughts because she knew she didn't need anymore reasons to like Tom. She just needed to stay away from him as best as she could and just keep her head down. Now that they were off the ship and heading towards the Somme it was easy to avoid Tom, he was too busy consulting maps and replying to his senior officers. That would only increase once they reached the trenches, she would be with the rest of the men and he would be with the other officers trying to figure a way to push the Germans out.

They were in the back of a truck driving through the French countryside, eating up the miles between them and the war. It was a stifling hot day and most of the men had taken off their shirts in an attempt to cool off. While Tom hadn't exactly followed suit, he had unbuttoned most of his shirt and Vivian was finding it hard not to look at the toned chest showing, the freckles on his belly. She instead focused on the road behind them, praying that it would cool down soon. She wished that she didn't have to wear her stiff uniform, she longed for a flowing cotton dress and a stream to splash her head and arms in. She felt the sticky heat slowly drag her into a heavy sleep. 

Vivian dreamed that she was back on her farm, riding her horse through the cool shade of the wood. She heard a second horse nearby and he turned her head and saw Tom riding beside her. He gave her a smile and she smiled back. She was wearing a white cotton dress, it's hem pulled up high on her thighs to allow her legs to spread over the breadth of the horse. When they reached the stream they both jumped off the horses and hopped onto the rocks in the stream to reach a shady bank. They settled on the grass there and lay down with their bare feet in the cool water. She turned towards Tom and found him already facing her, his face came close and her eyes closed as she felt his lips touch hers in a sweet kiss. She felt his cool tongue tenderly lick at her bottom lip and she opened her mouth slightly to let him in, their tongues met in a heady embrace, his hands reached around her waist and he tilted his head more to devour her mouth. 

"Charlie!" 

Vivian woke up suddenly and found Tom standing over her. 

"I thought you were never going to wake," he laughed. "Come on, we're stopping for the night and making camp."

Vivian shook the last vestiges of sleep away and jumped down from the truck bed. She unrolled her tent from her pack and began putting it up. She couldn't forget the dream that she had and how nice it felt to kiss Tom, even if it was a dream version of him. She blushed at the thought of being woken up by the same man she had been dreaming of. What if she had said his name in her sleep? That would have been incriminating and hard to explain to her superior officer. Once her tent was pitched she made her way over to the campfire and sat down to a dinner of boiled beef and bread. Tom's hair looked even more spectacular in the firelight as she gazed at him over the flames. She quickly ate and begged tiredness and made her way to her tent. Every moment spent in his presence was just another moment spent falling for him, she couldn't stop and now she could only avoid him as much as possible. 

She settled herself down for the night, the hard ground her mattress for the night and her pack her pillow. She didn't mind it all that much she was just grateful to not be sitting in the truck looking at the scenery and of course at Tom. She was just beginning to fall asleep when she heard footsteps approach her tent. She could see someone's shadow cast upon the canvas door from the firelight. 

"Charlie? Are you asleep?" It was Tom.

"No," Vivian replied an she opened the door and revealed Tom kneeling on the grass. 

"You left so quickly so I didn't get a chance to give you your share of dessert," he said, holding out a generous piece of chocolate. 

"Thank you, Tom," Vivian said, taking the piece and biting off a chunk. 

"I was surprised to see you sleeping in the truck, the damn thing jolts so much I doubt I'd get a wink of sleep in it," Tom said smiling. 

"I suppose I was just really tired from the heat," Vivian replied. 

"Yeah, I've never been able to bear the summer, it's always so stifling in the city," Tom laughed, pulling tufts of grass. 

"Whenever it got really hot me and my sister would stop working on the farm and ride our horses to a stream in the woods and go swimming there, it was heaven." 

"That sounds fantastic! All we had in London were the public baths but on hot days they would just be so full it'd be impossible to swim." 

"Probably be so many people that the water wouldn't be cool anymore," Vivian said with a smile.

"You're probably right," Tom laughed. 

"Why do you not do this with the rest of the men?" Vivian found herself asking. 

Tom looked thoughtful for a minute before he replied, "Because you're the quietest, you don't let anyone get too close. You don't give anything away about yourself unless you mean to. Besides, it's my job too know my men." 

"How many of us do you think are going to get to go home?" 

"I'll do everything in my power to try and get all of you home," Tom said, his eyes earnest. 

Vivian felt a rush of pride for her commander, he wasn't one of those upper class captains that were willing to stay in the trenches while his men were killed. 

"And I'll do everything in my power to make sure that you're on that boat home along with the rest of us." 

Tom smiled widely and almost looked like he was blushing. "Better get some sleep, soldier." 

"Yes sir," Vivian said smiling back at him. "Thanks again for the chocolate." 

She dropped the flap of her tent down and settled bag in her sleeping bag. She smiled as she thought of her commander and his blatant care that he had for his men.


	6. Chapter 6

Under the cover of darkness and with the sounds of bombshells and gunfire masking the loud engine of the truck they finally arrived at the Western Front. They jumped out of the truck bed and watched as it quickly drove away, weaving its way between the bomb craters. They huddled together and waited while Hiddleston got directions to their bunker. When he came back he told them all to keep close behind him as the trails leading towards the trenches intersected with those that led to No Man's Land. Vivian struggled to walk in the slick mud that was everywhere, they passed several soldiers in various states of injury and who all laughed when their company flinched when a bomb made contact with the earth. There was an absence of feeling in their faces, a sort of numbness to the violence and destruction surrounding them. Vivian wondered how long it would take until her own face would mirror theirs, how long it would be until she was able to fall asleep soundly to the lullaby of the whistle of bombs as they fell to the percussion of gunfire. 

On they wound through the maze of bomb craters filled with muddy water and mounds of earth crowned with barbed wire. There was no light to see by save for the occasional red tinge of an overhead flare. Without rehearsal they had all assumed a hunch in their walk, it was unspoken that they should all keep their heads down. Vivian and Wright were last in the line and she could occasionally hear him swearing as he slipped in the mud. She turned around when she heard him fall and quickly walked over to help him up, by the time they turned around they could no longer see their company. They rushed forward and out of the murky darkness came a fork in the path. Wright swore at this for they could not tell which way the others had gone, there were footprints everywhere. They decided to go right and on they went weaving and winding, following their path that seemed to have no end. They came to a stop when they realised that they were standing in the middle of a wide field that had sounds of life coming from either side. They were in No Man's Land. 

A flurry of bullets suddenly scattered the night and they dove for cover down the edge of a nearby bomb crater. They slid down the muddy slope until their heads were well below the lip of the mound. However were they going to make it back to their trench when the Fritz had gotten a lead on them? 

"Wright! Sinclair? We see where you are, you're about 100 yards from home!" 

Wright swore next to her and he crawled carefully so he could peep over the lip and look over to where Hiddleston had shouted from. Their path was not a straight one and one through many more craters like the one their were in now. They had to think quickly, it wouldn't make it any better to dwindle where they were. 

"Right. I'm the fastest of the two of us so I'll draw crabs and lead the Fritz machine gun away from you, then when I say you run like buggery, don't you bloody stop until you're home." 

Vivian knew that he was right and there was no point in arguing about it. She nodded to him and crawled up until she was poised to jump over the lip and make a run for it. Wright tightened the straps of his pack and he drew a deep breath before he rolled himself over the top of the crater and began sprinting to the left, the machine gun opened fire just as he shouted, "NOW!" 

Vivian launched herself over the top of the mound and began sprinting for all her worth towards home. She could hear the gun still going behind her but they hadn't seen her yet. She wove her way through the craters and forests of barbed wire, pushing her muscles hard and hoping that Wright was still okay. She was just about to reach the trench when she felt a bullet fly past her ear and another one lodge itself into her pack, she jumped down into the trench and landed on her hands and knees. The others pulled her up and patted her on the back. They all went to look for Wright, for any sign that he was making his way home. They caught sight of him just a flare shot up into the sky and they all started screaming for him to come home, they were yelling encouragements as he kept on running and Vivian swore she had never seen anyone run faster than Wright was. She was about five yards away and they were all reaching out for him when gunfire pierced the still air and Vivian saw bullets rip through her friend and saviour, causing a spray of blood to surround Wright in a macabre halo. He fell fast into the mud and they desperately reached for him and dragged him down to safety. 

"STRETCHER BEARER!" Hiddleston bellowed. 

But Vivian could already see that it was too late and Wright was beyond any help they could give him. Some young lads came running up carrying a stretcher between them and they all moved aside for them to do their work. Before they knew it they had gone back the way they came leaving the others their without any words spoken. Rain came pelting down as they trudge through the mud towards their bunker. Vivian was glad for the rain as it masked the tears fall down her face, she felt beyond guilty for what had happened to Wright. If only she had kept an eye on where the company had walked then they would never have found themselves in No Man's Land. Barely an hour at the Front and already they had lost someone. At this rate they'd all be gone in a week. 

They finally arrived at their bunker, a little opening in the earth, held in place but slats of wood. They dragged themselves inside and gazed around at their new home, a hovel in the ground with damp earth and no furniture. They unrolled their bedding and settled themselves down for the night. Vivian was surprised to see that instead of going on to the officers quarters, Hiddleston was settling himself down next to the wall. Their was a pregnant silence as they all lay in their beds, not sleeping but not speaking. Until Miller broke the silence and said a few words about Wright, a few others followed suit but Vivian kept her mouth shut, she covered her face with her blanket and pretended to fall asleep but it didn't come for a very long time. 

* * *

Vivian woke to find that she did not feel rested at all, her dreams had been filled with gunfire and no matter how fast she ran she could never escape the red light of a flare. She looked around and saw that everyone else were still sleeping, quietly as she could she got out from under her blanket and tiptoed across the room and went out into the trench. The sun was just coming up and she could see where the sky was lightening way over in the east. She sat herself down in a little groove in the wall and strained her head to see what lay beyond the trench. All she could see were craters and barbed wire, no trees no structures, just pure destruction. She wondered what this land had once been, probably a farm. Where were the family that used to tend to it? She shed a few more tears for Wright, the uneasiness in her chest had not abated and she desperately wished she had done something different last night. Maybe they could have crawled back home on their stomachs. But it was too late to think abut what she could have done. She steeled herself to never let anyone else risk themselves for her. She didn't want anyone else's blood on her hands. 

She heard someone coming out of the bunker and she hastily wiped away her tears. She turned to see who had come out and came face to face with Tom. She looked away, she couldn't face looking into his eyes and know what he thought of her. She felt so guilty about Wright and she knew that it should have been him that survived. She heard Tom walk over until he was standing in front of her, he got close until he was almost touching her knees. She refused to look up, afraid of what she might see in his eyes. Regret? That it was she who made it back? Or anger, that she had not risked herself the same way that Wright had. 

"I'm so sorry Charlie," Tom startled her by saying. "I should have kept a better eye on everyone, I should have checked that you were all still following me." 

Vivian looked up at Tom and saw the same guilt she knew he would find on her face. 

"It's not your fault. I shouldn't have let Wright be the bait, we could have crawled home on our bellies or anything!" But Tom just shook his head. 

"No, Fritz would have seen the movement and you'd have just been sitting ducks. I don't blame you at all for Wright's death." 

Vivian let out a sob and tried to cover it up but Tom's arms had already come around her and she leaned into his shoulder and let the tears fall. He patted her back and kept telling her it wasn't her fault. When she finally stopped crying she looked up to see that Tom had shed his own tears. Both of them would have guilt about Wright's death no matter how much they reasoned it all to one another and no matter how much they comforted each other. Vivian looked away to see that the sky had turned a soft pink and she could hear birds though she couldn't see them. Today they would bury their friend and then forget about their wrongs. They couldn't dwell on past mistakes they could only hope that they didn't make them again. 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait everyone! Uni snuck up on me and I had to focus on my assignments. But here you go! Hope you enjoy the chapter!

The funeral of Philip Wright was a somber affair, the rain had started up again and they all stood in the oozing mud over the grave of their fallen friend. A makeshift cross had been placed in the ground to mark the place but other than that you wouldn't even know that a grave was there. Vivian hated the anonymity of it, that she could pass this place in a few days time and she wouldn't even be able to determine which grave marker was his among the tens of others that surrounded them in the bleak graveyard by the trenches. They all said a few words about their fellow comrade and when it came to Vivian's turn she had to swallow back tears in order to say her last farewell to Wright. 

"I will never be able to thank you for what you did. You saved my life, put mine before yours, literally took the hit for me. I will never have enough words to express how grateful I am and how sorry I am that it turned out like this. I didn't know you for long but you did your duty unflinchingly and went above and beyond what was asked of you. The only way I can think of to truly show how grateful I am, is to do my best out here and make it back home for you. I'll never forget you or what you did for me." 

She refused to meet anyone's eyes, she couldn't bear to see what might be in them- pity would be just as bad as contempt. They all threw a handful of mud onto the grave and then turned away to go to their respective duties, Vivian was to be stationed at a look-out post with Hiddleston and there they would use a crudely fashioned periscope  spot the enemy  and fire at any Germans they saw. She walked behind Tom in silence to their post, her mind completely focused on the funeral they had just come from. She hadn't talked to Tom since he had comforted her at dawn and she didn't know what she would say even if they were speaking. Whenever she would accidentally meet his eyes she would see pity and empathy in them, she couldn't stand it. Throughout their shift she would just do her job and keep the talking to a minimum, she needed to prove that she wasn't weak and that was going to take a lot more effort after her breakdown. 

They reached their post, a little outward curve in the trench just big enough to fit two men. Vivian picked up the periscope, and raised it so only the top could be seen  over the lip of the trench and scanned No Man's Land. Tom held the gun in his hands and if she saw any soldiers across the way, under her direction, he would shoot them. It was a long and arduous job, they were sitting there for fifteen minutes before Vivian saw the distinctive German helmet she pointed with her finger in the direction of the soldier and Tom quickly stuck his head over the top of the trench, aimed his weapon and fired. Through the periscope, Vivian saw that the bullet got the poor bugger in the throat, right now he would be drowning in his own blood with no way of surviving. 

Vivian thought about the friends that might be surrounding their fallen friend at this minute, desperate for a miracle but helpless to help their friend. She closed her eyes against the tears that threatened to fall and quickly steeled herself. For the next eight and a half hours she would be taking turns to spot men to kill and then be the one to pull the trigger. Tom suggested that at every hour they would switch roles and Vivian wordlessly agreed. She kept her eyes on the periscope and didn't let herself give Tom the impression that conversation was needed to fill the silence. 

And that's how the next five hours were spent, takings turns committing murder and Vivian hating herself a little more whenever she hit her target. Tom was holding the gun once more and Vivian scanned the field for any hint of life, she saw a man's helmet come above the trench and she quickly alerted Tom. He took his time to aim carefully and Vivian continued to watch from her periscope, movement to the left of the target caught her eye and she saw the reflection of the sun shining on what could only be a gun. Without pausing to think she pulled Tom by the belt with all her strength and yanked him backwards into the trench, his gun fired up into the air, thank goodness, at the same time that the opposite lip of the trench, simple sandbags, exploded in a flurry of clay and dirt. 

Tom lay on his back in amazement as he realised what had happened. Vivian helped him to sit up against the wall of the trench and they both panted too shocked from the close call to speak. Finally Tom looked over at her with his mouth gaping and his chest still rising and falling rapidly. 

"You just saved my life, Charlie. If my head had been above the trench for half a second longer the Fritz would have blasted my face open." 

"I just did what anyone else would have done, sir," Vivian replied, dipping her head in embarrassment. 

But her mind was whirring with images of Tom's prevented funeral, she imagined how different her life in this war would be without having such a positive force in her life. She could only give Tom a shrug and a bashful smile, grateful that she had been so alert. Tom surprised her completely by grabbing her shoulder harshly and pulling her in for a fierce hug, his hand thumped her back and she grasped him just as tightly. During their embrace she realised that Tom's heart was beating just as hard as hers and that their chests her both thumping together in time. They slowly broke apart and began laughing, a hysterical, stomach-aching laugh that had them going for minutes. When their chuckles had finally subsided and they had wiped their tears away Vivian got up and said she was going to get them both a cup of tea. Both of them could use a break for a few minutes. 

Tom nodded and rested his head against the wall, letting out one last exhale of humour. Vivian turned away and walked back towards their quarters where she could heat up some water with their portable gas canister stoves. She reached their bunker, the small hovel dimmer in the daytime with no lamps to light it up. She was pouring the water into a small pot from her canteen when she realised that there was someone lurking in the shadows of their bunker. The hair on the back of her neck raised as apprehension washed over her. Slowly the figure rose and walked towards her, she breathed a sigh of relief as she realised that it was Murphy, at least it wasn't a stranger. But she kept her guard up as she had never felt wholly comfortable around the mysterious man. He barely spoke and when he did it was with a dark rasp that always left her stomach in coils. 

"That was some stunt you pulled the first night we got here," Murphy spat out as he reached her. He was standing right up against her and she realised he had backed her into a corner when her foot reached back to take another step away from this man. 

"I don't know what you mean," Vivian honestly replied, she tried to keep her voice light and to not let any of her fear leak into it.

"The fact that Wright died saving your scrawny ass. That now, we're stuck with you instead of someone who could have actually been of use. You better not get anymore of us killed." 

Vivian gulped and she could see that a crazed look had seeped into Murphy's dark eyes. He looked maniacal, like he didn't care whatsoever about that consequences of his actions. She truly feared what that recklessness could do to her. 

"And just so that I know you've been warned, I'm gonna leave you with a little something so that you stay in line and don't make one wrong fucking move." 

Before she could raise her hands to block his attack his fist connected with the soft flesh of her belly and she felt all the air in her lungs whoosh out. She doubled over in pain and saw as his knee rose to connect with her face. She flew back at the force of his move and she sprawled on the floor, clutching her stomach and whimpering at the agony she felt, blood trickled from her nose and leaked into her mouth. Murphy pulled his boot back and for a second Vivian thought that was all he was going to do but then he began kicking her viciously in the belly and ribs, kick after kick and she could do nothing but curl into herself against the onslaught. 

Finally, the violence stopped and she lay gasping on the floor her sides aching and her lungs barely able to pull in enough air to sustain her. She flinched away as Murphy leaned in close and brushed hair away from her ear, he brought his lips close, like a lover might, and whispered softly in her ear, but the voice was cold and dangerous. 

"You've been warned. Don't fuck it up." 


	8. Chapter 8

Vivian lay there on the cold dirt floor of their sleeping quarters. Everything hurt and she was terrified that Murphy would hurt her again. Tears welled up in her eyes and she began to cry for the pain, for Wright, for the war and because she missed her sweet brother Charlie. She didn't know how long she cried for, curled up and clutching her aching stomach. But then she remembered that she was meant to be getting tea for her and Tom. If she didn't go now he would come looking for her and she couldn't have any more sympathy from him, he couldn't find out what had happened, it would just make her even more of a target for Murphy. She needed to keep her head down and deal with this herself. Vivian let out a gasp of pain as she slowly got back on her feet, her ribs were throbbing and she was lucky that nothing felt broken. She grabbed a rag and wiped her face of the blood from her nose, luckily it had stopped bleeding. She put the pot on the canister flame and waited until it boiled, with the two cups of steaming tea in her hands she limped back to where Tom and her were stationed.

"Longest bloody time for two cups of tea," Tom called out when she reached him. The smile on his face slowly faded though as he took in the state of her. "My God, what the hell happened to you?" 

"Slipped in the mud and fell face first into the trench wall, always been clumsy," Vivian mumbled. She sipped her tea so she wouldn't have to look at Tom and the horror in his eyes. 

"Like hell you did. Tell me who did this to you and I'll make sure they're punished," Tom demanded. 

"Just forget it, alright?" 

"I cannot believe that you're protecting the bugger who did this to you!" 

"I don't need your help, sir. I'm sick of the others thinking I'm some helpless duckling that you've got tucked under your wing. I can take care of myself," Vivian snapped. 

"What's this got to do with the others?" Tom looked at her with a crease in his forehead. "Wait, someone in our division did this to you, didn't they?" 

Vivian said nothing, just looked away praying he would just drop the issue. 

"Answer me, Sinclair! That's an order!" Tom had never raised his voice at her nor used his authority over her for anything other than their duty. 

"Yes. Sir," Vivian muttered.

"Who was it?" Tom demanded, his voice deathly quiet. 

"You can have me whipped for insubordination, but I will not tell you, sir. The violence will never happen again so long as I keep my head down and do my job. I don't need your help." 

Tom realised that he could do nothing to help Charlie and he swallowed back his need to protect the young soldier. He would keep an eye on Charlie, but he would stop giving him undue attention. In the meantime he would watch the rest of his men, with luck he'd find out the perpetrator without putting Charlie in more danger. But he had a dark feeling that he already knew the man who did it.

* * *

 

Before too long, Vivian had been at the front line for two months. Every week she wrote to Charlie and she would eagerly wait for Mr McIntosh's reply with news of her brother and the farm. She had gotten used to falling asleep to the sound of gunfire. She could wake up fully in mere seconds and be ready for action in under a minute. Her belly eagerly welcomed the same bland meal of boiled beef and stale bread at dinnertime. She had adapted to life on the Western Front. Since the incident with Murphy she made sure to steer clear of him, but luckily she hadn't had a single work duty with the man she feared and she thanked whatever entity was looking out for her. Her relationship with Tom had soured since the day she had saved his life, she knew it was because she had refused to tell him who had hurt her but she was glad for the distance between them. She was able to concentrate on her work without distracting thoughts of her handsome commander and she was able to connect more with the men in her unit. Without the constant presence of their Captain the rest of the men included her in their shenanigans to pass the time. Tom had moved into the officers quarters the same day that they stopped speaking socially. 

She was as content with her situation as the situation allowed her to be. She was in the bunker writing a letter to her brother, it was quiet and she was glad of the brief respite she had while the others escorted a supply truck to the nearest town to get more rations. This work duty was particularly coveted by the men as it meant getting away from the war and having the chance to socialise with the ladies in the town. She smiled at her comrades' boyish antics. But then she thought of her brother Charlie and how he wasn't able to talk to any girls his age. Before their parents' deaths he had been quite a popular boy in the town, she mourned for his lost confidence and old life. She sealed the letter in the envelope and walked towards the bunker that dealt with postage. Vivian was startled when she bumped into a firm body and she looked up ready to apologise when she realised that it was Tom she had walked into. 

He looked down at her with those blue eyes and she felt herself yearn for him. He mumbled a sorry and quickly left the office. She placed her letter in the burlap sack full of all the correspondences from her fellow soldiers. She wondered at the lives they had left behind as she had. Vivian caught a glance at the envelope Tom had left in there, she recognised his slanted, elegant script from the days at training when they had to copy what he wrote on the blackboard. The letter was addressed to a _Miss Elizabeth Wickham_ , residing in London. The warm feeling in her chest vanished as she realised that of course Tom had a sweetheart waiting for him at home. Vivian walked back towards the bunker with an emptiness in the pit of her stomach, never had Tom given the impression that he had a lover, that's one of the reasons why she felt at ease with him, because of his immediate understanding that she wasn't writing to a sweetheart but to her "sister". 

The amount of noise coming from their bunker was unusual but as she stepped into the warm light she realised why. The men and some others from the bunker beside them had brought back girls from whatever town they had been to. She sighed, they would get in trouble for this surely. She had no idea how they had managed to sneak the girls back here and she was gathering a book from her bag to go somewhere quiet when Miller yelled for her to stay and join them. It seemed that the girls had brought wine with them. This would not end well. 

Vivian accepted a tin cup of wine from one of the French girls. She was very pretty with red hair and warm brown eyes, the girl gave her an indulgent smile and sat next to her on whoever's bed it was. Miller had a fair haired beauty sitting between his legs, leaning against his broad chest. When her eyes met the boisterous man's he gave her a cheeky wink and raised his cup to her. She blushed and looked away, and saw Hill shift nervously as a petite dark haired girl brought his cup up to her mouth with his hand still wrapped around it. She took a gulp of her own drink to steady her nerves, the crisp, fragrant taste soothed her mouth and she soon found that her cup was empty. The girl next to her laughed musically and poured more wine into Vivian's cup, speaking rapidly in French. It was lost on Vivian, who didn't speak a word of French, so she just smiled gratefully and clinked cups with the girl.

"Adelina," the girl said to Vivian, pointing to herself. 

"Charlie," Vivian replied, doing the same. 

She repeated the name in her French accent and smiled brightly. Loud laughter drew her attention from Adelina and saw that Hill and the girl beside him were locked in a passionate kiss. Miller, along with the other men, was laughing jovially with his own French girl and Adelina joined in quickly. Clearly she was good friends with both of the girls and she found the behaviour to be amusing. 

"Sinclair! Don't let Hill beat you, kiss your woman!" 

Vivian's eyes widened as all the heads turned towards her and Adelina, before she could make an excuse the sweet looking girl had crawled into her lap and began kissing her with gusto. Startled, but already affected by the wine, Vivian kissed the girl back. She knew that to do otherwise would be extremely suspicious. She could hear the laughter in the background but that slowly faded as she concentrated on Adelina's lips on hers, she'd kissed boys from her town before but this was much better than those kisses had been. Adelina's lips were soft and her mouth tasted sweet, she was beginning to pull away, satisfied that she had played her part sufficiently when a familiar voice cut through the haze. 

"Sinclair! Stand up this instant!" 

Vivian wrenched her face away from Adelina's and quickly scrambled to her feet, a difficult thing as Adelina had been in her lap. But she stood to attention before a fuming Tom and she couldn't meet his eyes. She looked down at her boots while Tom gave orders to the other men to escort the girls back to the truck and take them back to town, with the warning to return immediately after. When the quarters had emptied aside from her and Tom she finally met his eyes. He looked at her as if he had never seen her before. The shame she felt washed through her entire body, filling her up and making her feel absolutely awful. 

"I don't think I have to remind you of what happens to a girl when you get too eager," Tom began. Vivian's eyes widened but she couldn't say anything without incriminating herself. 

"Had I not interrupted you I don't know what would have happened. But you must realise that to get a girl pregnant, a girl you cannot look after without being a deserter, would be ruining her life. I'm very disappointed in you Sinclair. When you told me you had no sweetheart to write to, I took you be a respectful young man, not some randy boy eager to get his hands on the first foreign girl he came across." 

Vivian understood Hiddleston's anger at her but she didn't know why she was being forced to listen to this speech. Surely the drinking and sneaking the girls here in the first place were of more serious consequence than a bloody kiss. But she bit her tongue and said nothing as Tom continued to admonish her. Finally, he left the bunker with no punishment, just an order to clean up the bunker and a warning to never do this again. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm so sorry that I dropped the ball with this story! I was going through a really rough patch with my anxiety and I really just couldn't do anything remotely creative. But I'm back and I've got a little bit more of an idea with where I should take this story.

After the incident with the French girls Vivian didn't speak to Tom unless a situation specifically called for it. It was not a hard thing to do as he seemed to be just as unwilling to speak to her and she was still very much upset that she had been lectured when the rest of her troop didn't receive the same treatment. Several weeks passed at the Front without either of them talking, the rest of her division sensed a tension between their commander and her but no one mentioned it, not wanting to bring up the debacle that caused their cold silence. Vivian avoided any contact with Murphy and so far that had been working, the fact that she seemed to be excelling with their daily duties seemed enough for the dark eyed man to stop watching her like a vulture. 

Buoyed by their victory on July 1st but also depressed by the amount of men they had lost was a confusing time for everyone. In a united effort with the French they had managed push the German Second Army over to the north bank of the Somme. The sheer amount of British men that didn't make it to the German front line was enough to make the celebration feel wrong for them. It was during this confusing time of rejoicing and mournful healing, while they waited for more reinforcements, that Vivian received another letter from her brother and she gasped as she read the childlike hand spelling out "Happy birthday!" in loopy writing that belonged to Charlie. She braced herself against the wall of the trench, the foot traffic relatively light in the late afternoon, and quickly did the calculations, counting the days between their victory and now; eleven days, it was the twelfth of July, hers and Charlie's birthday. She felt tears prick at her eyes as she came to the realisation that she was now twenty-one, spending her birthday in possibly the worst place in the world, thousands of miles away from her twin. 

Vivian let the tears fall, not worried about what anyone would think, seeing as how almost every man on the front was mourning for their fallen mates. She should be on the farm, cutting a carrot cake with Charlie and stopping him from drowning his slice in honey. She should be celebrating with her only family and not here trying to keep her mind off all of the atrocious things she had had to commit in order to be alive, in order to win a battle for a war that seemed to hell bent on lasting forever. She tried to sob as quietly as possible as she let her grief and guilt wash over her, making her chest ache with the pain of missing her beloved brother. 

"Sinclair? Good God, whatever is the matter?" 

Her head jerked up and she hastily wiped away her tears and focused on Tom standing in front of her looking very concerned. The caring look on his face was almost enough to make her start crying again, she hadn't felt such compassion, and from a single expression no less, in so long. She noticed him looking at the letter in her hands and he seemed alarmed, his eyes widening as he asked, "Did something happen at home?" 

"No, no, my family is in the countryside, far from the coast, so they haven't been too affected by the bombings," Vivian replied, vaguely wondering why she felt the need to reassure Tom. 

Tom sighed in relief at this but he still remained worried about her distress. "So, then, uh, why were you crying?" 

"It's my birthday and I hadn't even realised until I'd received this letter from my sister. I just really miss her, we've never been apart, let alone on our birthday." 

"I imagine that must be really hard on you, this mix of emotions. Missing your twin, being happy that it's your birthday but being forced to celebrate here and away from her. How old are you now?" 

"Yes, celebrating my birthday feels wrong when we have lost so many men. Twenty-one." 

"Celebrating your birthday must have always been a big event what with you two being twins and all."

"Yes, we'd have a shared birthday party on the farm and all of our friends would be invited. It changed after our parents died, but I always tried to make it a happy time for my sister." 

"Of course, it must have been hard, suddenly expected to fill in the roles of your parents. I imagine having a sibling must make it a little easier though," Tom replied with a small smile. 

Vivian drew in a breath and released it, not knowing whether she should mention Charlie's condition, but she decided not to say anything. "Yes, it's great having her around to lighten the load." 

Tom smiled at this and asked, "Is she much like you? I mean, aside from your appearances, do you enjoy the same things?"

Vivian carefully thought about her words, needing to be careful just in case she slipped up. "Yes, when we were children we would dress in each other's clothes and spend the day in the other's shoes, literally. Vivian loved helping father around the farm, herding the cows, milking them, just generally running the farm. Whereas I definitely appreciated spending the day in the kitchen with my mother, made for a nice break from the harder work." 

"I bet that would have become more difficult to accomplish as the two of you grew older," Tom replied, his eyes sparkling with amusement. 

Vivian let out a laugh at that and nodded. "Yes, that and our parents became more interested in making my sister marriage-worthy, a responsibility she despised yet still honoured." 

"Ah, the dutiful daughter. And were your parents successful in finding her a match?" 

She did not know why Tom seemed so interested in "her" life but she appreciated the effort he was making to return things between them to how they were before. "Well, yes she was everything but engaged to a man from the next town over, but when our parents died she immediately broke things off." Vivian sighed, thinking about how kind and loving Angus was, how broken hearted he had been when she ended their relationship. 

"Your sister sacrificed her engagement? But why? I'm sure you would have been able to look after the farm on your own." 

"Maybe, but my sister always loved the farm as much as I did. And even though she had loved Angus, I think a part of her was almost relieved that she could break the engagement and blame it on her grief for our parents. She really did love him, don't misunderstand me, but she loved the freedom that the farm provided her with more." What Vivian said was true, but of course there had also been Charlie to care for as well when their parents had died.

"She sounds like a very interesting woman, your sister. Perhaps one day I'll be able to celebrate your birthday with the two of you," Tom said kindly. 

"I think she would like that very much," Vivian replied, her heart aching once more for the deceit she was weaving.  

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter :)  
> Also, if you can't already tell, I'm trying to be subtle with the passing of time in this story. I just feel that it fits with the idea of being at war, not knowing the exact dates and all that. But if you're on top of it then you'll know that tanks didn't enter the battlefield until about September 1916 and this attack is taking place maybe a couple of months after that, the dropping of temperature also alludes to that.  
> So glad that people are still reading this even after all the time it took for me to update, you guys are amazing. xoxo

As the months passed and their division saw new recruitment, men coming and going, their troop being moved up and down the line as the Battle of the Somme raged on Vivian became an automaton. She woke up from an uneasy sleep, barely rested, ate what was given to her and marched out into the trench to man the artillery, scope out soldiers and capture another metre of land for the Allies. Though her and Tom were back on good terms with each other, they barely had time to converse outside of discussing arrivals of supply trains, rotating shifts of keeping watch and relaying any information gained that could help the war effort. The first time Vivian saw the beetle-like tanks being deployed onto the battlefield she felt truly a part of the world's modernisation but she also felt sorry that such forward-thinking inventions were created purely because of and for war. 

Vivian breathed deeply, trying to calm her wild nerves, she gripped her rifle harder to stop the tremor in her hands. They were scheduled to go "over the top" any minute and the men were uneasy, she saw the same expression of dread mirrored on every face she looked at. She was positioned close to a ladder, ready to scramble up as soon as the men in front of her had gone up, Tom was nearby, looking just as anxious as the rest of them but his expression was a little more guarded, the more stoic countenance of a trained leader. When he caught her looking at him he gave her a small smile and a nod, she returned the gesture as well as she could but she suspected that her smile was more of a grimace. From further down the line the bellow of an officer to ready themselves came, shouted from soldier to soldier and she turned away from Tom and faced the wall of the trench. She held her breath and when the shrill sound of the whistle burst through the pregnant silence she let it out, every man bursting into action. The first men climbed the ladders and went over the lip of the trench, immediately the Fritz's machine guns opened fire, men were yelling as they climbed to get to the battlefield. The second man in front of her went over, then the third and suddenly she was at the the foot of the ladder, looking up at the man's boots, waiting for them to disappear above her. Her limbs were climbing the the ladder before she had even realised she had given them the command, then she was up in No Man's Land, crouched low to the ground, clutching her rifle in her hands watching as her fellow mates sprinted through the debris, dodging shell craters and barbed wire. 

Realising that she couldn't stay still where she was Vivian started running forwards, overtaking some men and other men overtaking her. Bullets flew by but she could not let them stop her even if she could see them. In front of her she saw men stumbling in the mud, slipping for cover in the craters or stumbling with shouts of pain as bullets found their targets. Unable to do anything but run forward she tried to stay as low as possible, making sure to weave in a fool's attempt to out-manoeuvre the enemy's guns. By some miracle, she found that she had caught up to Tom and the two of them began running together, taking what little comfort they could in being in the company of a friend regardless of the madness surrounding them. Out of the corner of her right eye Vivian made out men falling in a sweep towards them and without stopping to think she dragged Tom down to the ground, blessedly behind the cover of a short wall made of sandbags and mud. As they fell into the mud, the hail of bullets flew over them, some hitting the top of the wall and sprinkling them with dirt and sand. Tom panted beside her, a manic look in his eyes as they tried to catch their breaths, watching as men to their left were not so lucky as them, falling victim to the merciless sweep of the machine gun. 

"This is completely buggered, our men are falling faster than we can replace them!"

"Then let's make sure their deaths were not in vain," Tom replied, getting in a crouch and pulling her up by her bandolier. 

They crawled to the edge of the wall and nodded at each other before simultaneously getting up and running forward again, but neither had even thought about the machine gun sweeping back towards them and Vivian realised their grave mistake as the ground beside was eaten up by bullets making their way towards them once more. She threw herself to the ground as she felt the graze of a bullet burn into the side of her arm, she turned her head and watched in horror as a bullet found its way into Tom's side, right below the ribs. He fell to the ground with the groan of agony and Vivian quickly commando crawled over to him and grabbed him underneath the armpits, digging her heals into the mud she struggled to drag him back to the cover of the sandbag wall, only a few metres behind them. Tom cried out in pain at the pulling on his wound but Vivian couldn't pay that any mind until they were safely undercover. Using all her strength she pulled Tom backwards through the mud until they had reached the wall then she rolled him over behind it. She slid down next to him and quickly started unbuttoning Tom's uniform, he was still very conscious, his colourful swearing letting her know so, and she took that as a good sign as she reached underneath his body and felt for an exit wound. Tom winced in pain and swore bloody murder as her fingertips touched the open hole in the side of his back, she pulled her hand back and wiped the blood off on her trousers before she slipped her hand into the left side of Tom's tunic, searching for the field dressing she knew would be there. She felt the small package and quickly pull it out, ripping open the wrapping with her teeth and unravelling the bandage between her hands. She pressed the gauze pad onto the steadily bleeding wound and kept one hand pressed hard to it as she used her free hand to burrow underneath Tom, carefully avoiding his exit wound, to pull the end of the bandage around his waist. Once her hand had reached his right side she dragged it back and brought the other end of the bandage over Tom heaving stomach and tied a tight knot, making sure the gauze had enough pressure on his wound. 

"Alright Tom, I need you to roll onto your right side so that I can dress your exit wound." Tom nodded, sweat beading his forehead and his eyes scrunched in pain. "I'll help you, don't worry. Alright, on three; one, two three." 

Vivian pushed on his left shoulder and thigh, helping him to lie on his side. She grabbed her own field dressing from her tunic and began the same process for the slightly larger wound on his back, once she was satisfied that the bandages were secure she crawled to his other side so she could face him. Tom looked up at her with tears of pain in his eyes and she felt her heart clench at the thought of what might have happened to him had she not been by his side. She felt his forehead and he didn't seem overly warm so she took that as a good sign, a quick glance at his bandage showed that there was only a small spot of blood soaked into it. Deciding that she didn't want to risk it, she unbuckled her belt and fastened it over the bandages, pulling it quite taut, hoping to slow the bleeding and buy them more time until medics arrived. She slipped her coat off her shoulders and laid it over him making sure it was pulled up to his neck and covered his torso adequately. Now that she was no longer working to keep him from bleeding out the sound of gunfire and explosions reached her ears once more, she looked around and saw men still running towards the enemy trenches. She prayed that they would reach the trenches soon so that the stretcher bearers could come and collect Tom. Looking back down at her charge she caught him gazing at her in what could only be described as admiration. His hand crept out from underneath her coat and found her hand resting on her thigh, he gave it a strong squeeze but didn't let go and she allowed him this contact, wanting to provide him with as much comfort as she was capable of giving. 

"Charlie, once again you've saved me life. Had you not been by my side I would have been shot the first time you pulled me down, and again you dragged me back here under cover and patched me up. I feel my debt to you is only growing bigger," Tom said, his soft voice managing to find its way to her ears despite the cacophony of sound enveloping them.

"You're my commanding officer, of course I would do everything in my power to keep you safe," Vivian replied, hoping to keep emotion from welling up in her voice at his words. She really would do anything for Lieutenant Hiddleston and the thought was almost terrifying in its gravity.

"Not many men would have the wherewithal to do what you did, let alone the bravery. Instead of ducking for cover yourself, you dragged me to safety twice, when you could have just as easily left me."

"No, not easily," Vivian said, before she cleared her voice. "I should go and find help for you or continue fighting towards the trenches, you'll be safe here."

She made to get to her feet but Tom's hand suddenly gripped her wrist with vice-like strength. His eyes became steely as he gazed at her with an expression that brooked no room for argument.

"You will do no such thing. Either could get you killed and I'll not have you dying needlessly, not when you could be safe here with me. I'll cover for you and explain what you did for me, you will be in no trouble for not fighting, you hear me, Sinclair?" Tom's grasp of her hand and his gaze continued to hold her there, kneeling beside him. 

"Yes sir," Vivian responded quickly.

She did not want to admit that she was relieved she didn't have to leave the shelter of this position for the uncertainty of the open field. She shuffled back until her back was resting against the wall and she propped Tom's rifle beside her, laying her own across her lap in case she needed to reach it quickly. She pulled the leather strap of her water canteen over her head and unscrewed the cap before holding Tom's head up so that he could sip from it. His hair was so soft, despite the mud caked to its ends and the sweat that dampened his scalp, she exulted in the feeling of being able to touch him so intimately without suspicion. When he had drunk his full she brought the cool metal to her own lips and drank deeply, soothing the burning of her parched throat. Tom head was close to her upper thigh and she rested her hand on his shoulder to provide him with comforting contact as they huddled there, listening to the sounds of fighting, helpless to aid their fellow soldiers. 

As they waited for the end of the fighting Vivian kept her hand on Tom's shoulder, occasionally squeezing it gently. She asked if he was cold and he replied no so she sat back and listened to the sounds of war, wishing that she was back home, sitting with her back against a bale of hay, the wind whistling over the hills surrounding their farm. Her wandering mind was brought back to the present by Tom's gentle voice.

"It shouldn't be long now, I saw several men reach the trench before I was shot. I expect we'll be rotated for a reprieve after this, what with my injury and all, that and we haven't had a break since arriving at the Front." 

"Really? That will be nice to be away from this hell hole," Vivian replied. 

"Indeed, let's hope this injury takes as long as possible to heal," Tom said with a wry laugh and Vivian chuckled with him. 

Her mind began to imagine what the camps would be like away from the Front, surely there would be more facilities. Since arriving at the front line Vivian hadn't had to worry about communal bathing, as there were no opportunities for any such luxury, she began to worry about needing to be careful about her identity again. Even though she longed to be away from this godforsaken place for even just a few hours, she didn't think it would be much of a reprieve if she had to be constantly wary of revealing herself. She tugged at her hair in exasperation and let out a cry of pain as she moved her left arm, the bullet that had grazed her arm was suddenly brought to the forefront of her mind after being forgotten in the rush of getting Tom safe and treated. 

Tom whipped his head around to look at her in concern and his eyes widened when he saw her inspecting the bloody wound on her upper arm. Cursing out loud he dragged himself into a sitting position next to her, his right side leaning against the wall so that he didn't disturb his own wound. 

"You could have bloody well said something, Sinclair," Tom griped angrily, pulling out another field dressing packet and ripping it open. 

Vivian kept her mouth shut and let Tom fasten the bandage over her wound, not bothering to argue with him. He tightened the bandage considerably over her shirt sleeve, the rip in the fabric wide enough for the gauze pad to touch the shallow wound. Once he was satisfied with his work he brought her coat to rest over their laps, the little warmth it provided was comforting to her and she appreciated his gesture. But her mind began to worry about what would happen when help finally arrived, what if her wound needed stitches? She would need to take her shirt off for that and the thought of being revealed was suddenly a very real and terrifying prospect. How could she avoid being treated? Perhaps she could insist on doing it herself, she had stitched her father up a couple of times when he had cut himself on a sickle or other sharp tool around the farm. 

She wondered at the possibility of telling someone her secret, quickly ruling out Tom as a confidant; as a commanding officer he had a duty to report these things. But perhaps someone in her division- Miller had grown into something of a protective, older brother and she liked Hill's quiet but reassuring presence. But Vivian knew that telling one person in their troop meant telling everyone, it would be impossible to keep it from the others, and the thought of Murphy finding out her secret was enough to stamp out the idea for good. 

Eventually the sounds of fighting stopped and were replaced by whoops of victory, Vivian could see in the distance figures emerging from their own trenches carrying stretchers and she sighed in relief that the ordeal was over. She let out a tired laugh and Tom beamed at her, both of them readying themselves for the medics. Tom handed her back her coat and suddenly the closeness between them vanished, the comfort that they had been offering to the other was gone and the stark reality of war returned, but it was not accompanied by awkwardness. Since coming to the Front, Vivian had observed many occurrences of intimacy between soldiers; the embracing of mates, the sharing of blankets and physical contact when the bombs at night felt as if they would never end. When the bunker under the earth was impossibly cold with no means of heating it, Vivian and her bunk mates would curl up together, sharing their body warmth and no one mentioned it in the morning; it was just another way of making their situation a little better and it garnered fast friendships. Tom turned to her with a huge smile on his face, one that reflected the relief that must have been showing on her own and she felt  _safe._


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Vivian and Tom get an eyeful of the other without either realising what's happening. Also Tom begins to have doubt about Vivian's identity.

Vivian walked alongside the stretcher that bore Tom as they headed down the trench, towards the trucks that would take them to a nearby auxiliary medical encampment. The rest of their troop, including the new recruits, trailed behind her but Vivian's attention was solely on Tom. Every slip and stumble in the mud that his bearers suffered caused him to wince and grimace and Vivian almost wanted to push one of the lads out of the way so she could carry him herself and assure him comfort. Tom looked up at her and gave her a reassuring smile but she saw through it all too easily, she knew that he was in pain and it warmed her heart to think that he didn't want her to worry more than necessary. Once they reached the parked trucks, she helped lift Tom into the back of it, underneath the canvas awning, and the rest of them climbed into the bed of the truck. As they waited for the truck to finish filling up with the injured and those getting time off, Vivian took out her water canteen and helped Tom to sit up to drink from it, he gazed at her gratefully as his throat worked to quench his parched throat. Vivian gulped at the view of the smooth column of his throat undulating with the muscles working to swallow the water. The tips of her fingers tingled at the golden effervescence of feeling his warmth, her hand guided him to lay down once more and she rested her quivering fingers on her thigh, forcing herself not to run them through the soft orange gold of his hair. Ever since they had resumed talking to each other again she had felt the rising feelings in her chest grow bigger with every interaction between them, she couldn't help the rush of anticipation at seeing him or hearing him talk. Every look thrown her way, no matter how platonic, lit a fire in her cheeks, caused a fluttering in her belly and a clenching of her throat muscles as she tried to stop from gushing her appreciation of his form.

As the truck bumbled and wove towards the field hospital Vivian kept a sharp eye on her charge, wary to twitch his blanket back into place on his prone form, or provide a gentle squeeze when the wheels hit a particularly nasty ditch and caused his face to wrench into a grimace of pain. After what had to be two hours, they finally reached smoother roads and greener country, here the sun shone and birds sang, and Vivian immediately felt a rush of anticipation and anxiety at the apparent serenity of their surroundings. After, seemingly endless, months at the front, one's senses constantly bombarded by an abuse of explosions and gunfire, Vivian felt deeply uneasy in the eerie quiet of these green plains. Sweat broke out on her forehead and she felt the cold metal of her helmet slip on the sudden damp that grew there, while her stomach felt queasy with trepidation instead of the happy nerves brought on by Tom's attention. None of her companions seemed to feel the same as her, not even Tom, who had been wincing in pain and discomfort for their entire journey, in fact, she could practically see the physical relaxation of their shoulders as more and more distance was put between them and the Western Front. She leaned her head back to lean against the shady canvas of their shelter, and struggled to keep her breathing even as the peaceful silence became deafening. Distracted by the surprising effort it took to not start hyperventilating, Vivian only realised that they had reached their destination when Miller shook her shoulder gently. Choking back a dry swallow to try and recuperate the moisture in her throat, Vivian crouched to the bed of the truck and helped to lift Tom back down from the vehicle.

Doctors and nurses were waiting before a village of large khaki tents, already giving orders to them, telling them where to go depending on the severity of their injuries. A stern looking man commanded that they bring Tom to the surgery, one of the largest tents, and ready him for inspection. As they wove between the lanes created by the tents Vivian bit her lip, thinking about the cut on her arm and how she could convince someone to let her fix it herself. Once they reached the bustling tent teeming with soldiers in various states of injury, Vivian and the two other men helping her to carry Tom, laid him on the ground and bent to pick him up and heave him onto the hospital cot. Vivian reached over and began unbuttoning Tom's jacket and shirt before she sat him up and let him lean against her while she slipped his garments off. He let out a slight groan at his arms stretching the wound beneath his ribs, Vivian's heart twanged with pain for his agony and she made sure to lay him back with as much care as she could manage. She decided that stripping Tom down to his small clothes and then draping the sheet over him is probably what the Doctor would prefer, she blushed at the thought of seeing her CO in such a state of undress. Vivian cleared her throat and gestured awkwardly at his trousers and Tom looked mildly amused as he nodded his permission for her to undress him. She was sure that her mother would be severely shaking her regal head wherever she was right now, taking a breath she set about to unbuckle Tom's belt. Once that was out of the way she had access to the buttons that made up the opening to his pants, with a slight tremor in her fingers, Vivian unfastened the five buttons that made up the opening. When she reached the last one she quickly unlaced Tom's mud encrusted boots, slipping them off she moved upwards again and stood at Tom's hips as her hands hooked into the top of Tom's trousers and pulled them down his slim, athletic thighs. Her breath caught as her eyes came across the light smattering of soft, dusty blonde hair over his toned legs. When she pulled them all the way off his feet, she grabbed the sheet at the end of his bed and pulled it up over his perfectly muscled calves and up to his torso, but not before her eyes found their way to Tom's cotton-clad crotch. The subtly raised swell of his groin was slightly shadowed by the dark hairs that rested beneath the cloth Vivian's eyes widened as she voraciously as gazed upon the first man she had known in a carnal attitude. 

Once she was finished with her duties Vivian sat down quickly in the stool by Tom's hospital bed, her heart was beating in quick staccato bursts, arguably faster than when she had been sprinting across No Man's Land earlier. Tom grinned lazily at her from beneath the blankets and Vivian hesitantly returned it, not sure whether her cheeks still retained what felt like a hot crimson. They waited in silence for a physician to come check on Tom, well they didn't speak but that was about as far as silence went, the tent was full of the groans of the ailed, the barked orders of medical staff, the hustle and bustle of busy nurses, their tones clipped and professional. After about ten minutes a tall, middle-aged man with grey hairs amongst his black, slicked back hair approached Tom's bed. He pulled back Tom's sheets and methodically began to unravel the bandages over Tom's wounds, as his hands did this he asked Tom about his injury, when it happened, what it was and whether he had cleaned it. Tom answered in his usual business-like voice that he reserved for giving and receiving orders, when the doctor made a comment about how well-dressed Tom's wounds were he smiled and said proudly that Vivian had done them. The doctor gave her an appraising look before he gave her a stout nod, asking her if she had experience in treating injuries. Vivian answered honestly that she had only treated the injuries her and her family got around the farm and the handful of times she had sutured wounds. The doctor looked mildly impressed with that before he turned his full attention on Tom's revealed wound, Vivian looked over the shoulder of the physician and saw that Tom's wound had redness around the crude circle of the bullet wound, there was only a small amount of blood leaking from the open wound and the doctor quickly confirmed that the exit wound was looking just as good. 

"Alright, I'll just get this cleaned up, stitched and dressed and that should be all that is needed, other than some standard antibiotics to stave off infection. But it looks as if Sinclair here, did a good job of keeping any mud from leaking into the bandage so I wouldn't worry too much about infection."

Tom beamed proudly at her again and Vivian felt a part of her practically purring in delight of doing something that pleased Tom. The doctor quickly requested all of the tools and implements that he would need for the procedure, a nurse came from behind the curtain to the side of the bed and administered a syringe of morphine to Tom's arm. His hand reached for hers and he held it gently in his warm, slightly calloused hand, within minutes Tom looked as if he were floating in the swathe of golden light, his lips were parted in apparent ecstasy due to the drugs working on his body. Vivian gazed at his beautifully peaceful face without worrying that he would see her doing so, he looked lost in utterly delightful joy. After about fifteen minutes the surgeon was back smelling strongly of hydrogen peroxide, by Tom's bed as a metal tray covered in all of the things that the doctor would need to fix Tom up. The doctor started with cleaning the wounds with a square piece of gauze dipped in hydrogen peroxide, Tom barely registered what he was doing and Vivian was glad that he didn't seem to be in any discomfort. Using silk as thread for the sutures, the doctor began to stitch up Tom's flesh back together, his strokes quick but precise from years of experience. Vivian watched his technique making notes on how she would emulate the doctors stitches when she would sew her own wound. When the doctor was finished he put a solution of iodine onto the stitches then methodically bandaged the now sewn up injury. Vivian asked if she might administer her own sutures for her arm, making sure to convince him by saying that he would only be wasting his time on her when she could fix herself up, the doctor acquiesced after a preliminary check of her arm and agreed to leave the metal tray with everything she would need. Once the doctor had left Vivian drew the floor length curtains around the bed so that she had privacy to strip her shirt, she glanced over at Tom and noted that he was still very much under the influence of the morphine and while he wasn't asleep he definitely wasn't receptive to his surroundings. Deeming that it would be safe enough to risk, and given that her wound wouldn't take long to stitch up, Vivian quickly unbuttoned her shirt and pulled the tray over towards her so she could sit in the stool. She remained dressed in her trousers and a white vest that covered the bandages around her chest enough to not be noticeable. She quickly applied a hydrogen peroxide soaked piece of gauze to her wound and bit back a groan of pain as the liquid seared her flesh, promising no chance for infection to take hold. Picking up another sterile surgical needle she threaded the silk through the eye and gnawed her lip as she pushed the needle through her skin, pulling through the flap of flesh and looping it under the adjacent piece of skin and pulling the thread taut before repeating the process. 

* * *

Tom was brought back from the tendrils of warm golden light by the sound of someone moaning in pain beside him, his heavy eyelids struggled to open and once he could see his vision was hazy, the lamp beside his bed created a huge fuzzy aura about it and cast everything in a buttery glow. His eyes came to rest upon Charlie who was clearly the person who made the sound of distress, his brow furrowed as he took in the grimace of agony on Charlie's face, with fingers tipped in the red of his own blood, he pulled a needle through his skin, surprisingly graceful in his quick looping movements. Tom watched, fascinated at the scene before him, admiring the strength and capability of Charlie as he sewed his own wound with nary a word of complaint. But as Tom looked closely at the young soldier sitting before him the picture began to feel flawed, like there was something missing or warped with the image of Charlie, like one of those "Spot-the-difference" pictures in the Sunday paper. With Charlie's helmet off and his slightly curly dark hair falling over his face, there was suddenly a softness to the lines in his face, as if years had been taken from it or the angular structure of his bones all of a sudden were not quite so striking. His eyes trailed down the graceful curve of Charlie's neck and for the first time, without the obstruction of his stiff uniform collar, Tom could see the smooth expanse of skin, untouched by the darkness of stubble or indeed any protrusion of his Adam's Apple. Tom continued to look at Charlie, unobserved, the subject's focus completely absorbed by his task, and his mind took in the display of contrasts the made up the young man before him. The sharpness of his collarbones, the definition of muscles in those long slim arms, the hairless expanse of skin that Tom could see, barely a hair covered the young man, something quite uncommon, even in someone as young as Charlie. When Charlie's arm dropped down from it's stretch across his chest Tom saw the entirety of Charlie's torso and he looked in dazed wonderment at the soft, delicate curves of the young man. His eyes fell on Charlie's chest and his eyes squinted in scrutiny at the subtle swell of his breast, and if Tom didn't know any better he would say that Charlie's chest definitely had a curve incongruous with his gender. Deciding that the drugs in his system were wreaking havoc on his sensory faculties Tom closed his eyes once more and his mind slowly began to quiet down, falling under a heavy blanket of exhaustion, his last thoughts lingering on what a pretty man Charlie was. 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would be ever so grateful if you could please check out my first attempt at personal blogging. I will be posting excerpts from my diaries, a collection of my thoughts on anxiety, life and my earliest sexual experiences. They're funny, subjectively well-written and a hundred percent experienced by me! You would be doing me such an honour if you could please read it! Thanks to everyone who have been reading all of the stories I've posted on here, if you'd like a change of pace and something non-fiction then please have a look at my own sexual experiences. You'll get a laugh of of it, I promise! https://plantscatsandstories.wordpress.com/2017/03/16/first-blog-post/

After Vivian had finished stitching her wound she put her shirt back on, stowed away the tools and wheeled the tray back to the medical equipment station that they had set up. When she got back to Tom's side she slipped her jacket back on and made herself comfortable against the side of Tom's blanket-padded bed. She lent her head back and felt it resting upon the warmth of Tom's thigh, assuming he wouldn't mind she closed her eyed and blocked out the white noise of everyone in the tent. As she felt herself drifting away from that phenomenally long day, Vivian felt the brush of long fingers running through her hair and stroking her scalp. Her mouth opened with a small moan at how good that felt, after so long without human contact, keeping as still as possible so as not to disturb Tom and stop those wondering fingers, Vivian fell asleep with Tom's firm but gentle grip on her hair. 

* * *

When Tom came to it was with great difficulty, the drugs they had administered on him last night were potent and made the stark reality of being sober that much more grating on his nerves. He blearily gazed about wondering what time it was when he felt something impossibly silky running through his fingers, he looked down and saw that it was Charlie's hair that he was feeling, the man appeared to have fallen asleep leaning against his bed and Tom had managed to find his way into Charlie's hair while unconscious. It was surprisingly comforting to find his fingers running through Charlie's hair, such a simple gesture had not been granted to him since coming to the front and he luxuriated in the small contact. Charlie, in his sleep, began to nuzzle his head into Tom's hand and he smiled at the man's unaware movements Tom allowed himself to indulge the young man for a little while longer and he stroked his fingers through the raven locks and rubbed his scalp gently. As his fingers stroked through Charlie's curls he began to remember what he had witnessed the night before while Charlie had been stitching himself up, Tom found it strange that Charlie's features seemed to be more feminine than what was considered normal. His mind jumped to the impossibility that was completely unutterable, for surely Tom would have noticed by now if he had a woman under his command, he scoffed at the absurdity of it and decided that he must just be confused from the drugs. Yet as he thought about it little things began to make more sense, like the fact that Charlie had never partook in the communal bathing whilst they had been at the training camp, always saying that he preferred to shower early in the morning before breakfast. Or that, despite Charlie's capabilities, he was still quite small and slender compared to the average man. Tom's mind raced through all of his memories of conversations he had had with Charlie and he remembered the night on the ship, when they had been crossing the channel and his men had found he alcohol, that Charlie had admitted to leaving the rest of the men behind because they had begun talking about women as randy men are wont to do. He remembered that Charlie had spoken of writing to his sister instead of a sweetheart when nearly every single man at the Front had a sweetheart that they would write home to, or at least a girl that they intended on making a sweetheart of. His mind raced back to the night that his men had smuggled the French girls from the village into the bunker, how Charlie had, despite kissing his own girl, looked deeply uncomfortable with the situation. 

Tom's mind began to connect dots that hours ago did not exist in his mind, he was starting to think that maybe Charlie wasn't who he said he was. His thoughts were interrupted by Charlie murmuring in his sleep, Tom looked down at the young man and watched in fascination as the man began to mutter in distress, his dreams so real to him in that moment that he was speaking out loud, and yet when Charlie spoke, it wasn't in the low, soft voice he normally spoke in, but a slightly higher and breathier way. Tom's eyes widened as his ears heard what was unmistakably a woman's voice his ears strained to make out what Charlie was saying.

"No! Charlie no! Don't worry, brother, I'll protect you I swear I will!"

Tom felt all the air in his lungs whoosh out in one breath, Charlie was most definitely a woman, posing as her brother and fighting in his place. Tom began to think of all the consequences of this realisation and he knew that were he to report this to HQ that Charlie, or whatever her real name was, would possibly face death for this, and that her brother certainly would. But how could he not report this? To do otherwise would be risking the life of a woman and allowing a man to not do his duty. Suddenly furious, Tom leaped out of bed and grabbed hold of Charlie's shoulder, rousing her awake and dragging her out of the medical tent, she was spluttering and asking what was happening but he ignored her as he made his way away from the camp as quickly as possible. When they had reached the line of trees that surrounded the camp he turned around and let go of her shirt. She looked distressed as she straightened her uniform and asked once more what was going on. 

"I don't know who you are meant to be but I bloody well know that you're not Charlie Sinclair. You better tell me right now the whole fucking story or you'll be answering to HQ for this," Tom spat out angrily. 

* * *

Vivian's eyes widened and her ears deafened as those words fell from Tom's mouth. It was over. Her brother's life was now in Tom's hands and she was powerless to do anything. Taking deep breaths to stave off the panic attack that she could feel clawing its way out of her belly she leaned over and rested her hands on her knees. When she had straightened she struggled to meet Tom's furious gaze but finally she did and her heart broke at the pure contempt that lay there. 

"Charlie is my twin brother. My name is Vivian Sinclair and I've been posing as my brother so that he would not have to fight," Vivian muttered. 

"Do you have any idea what kind of danger you've put not only yourself and your brother but also myself and our troop in? Have you any idea of what they'll do to you and your brother should this reach their ears? Not to mention that I doubt they'll believe that myself and the men had no idea that a woman was in our midst, they'll think we conspired to make this happen." 

"I know, I'm so sorry Tom-" 

"You will address me as Lieutenant Hiddleston or Sir, as you are not a real soldier you have no basis to address me in such a casual manner." 

Vivian felt her eyes prick with tears at his words but she nodded resolutely at Tom. "I had no other choice, my brother would have been killed should he have come here instead. It was the only way I could guarantee that he would be safe." 

"So what of the countless men who had the bravery your brother doesn't, to fight for their King and country, who wouldn't shame themselves by allowing a woman to fight in their stead? Why should your coward of a brother be coddled like a little boy while his sister breaks the law and risk the lives of the men she's surrounded by." 

"Who's lives have I endangered? As far as I know, I've saved your life three times and the lives of the rest of the men several times over. If it wasn't for me you wouldn't have survived the first week. And how dare you speak of my brother as if you know the situation at all?" 

"And now you're endangering everyone's lives by remaining here disguised! How can I not, when your brother sounds like the biggest pansy to ever walk the earth, how can you defend the little sissy when he's the reason you're in hell?" 

"You have no idea what you're talking about, you have no right to say such awful things about my brother when you don't know what the hell you're talking about!" 

"Look, I understand that your parents are dead and that the two of you managed to convince yourselves that the reason your brother isn't here fighting is because he was needed to run the farm but trust me when I say that he was lying to get you to agree." 

"He didn't say anything of the sort because he hasn't spoken a full sentence in three fucking years!" Vivian shouted, angry tears running down her face. "Charlie was severely affected by our parents' deaths, he hasn't been right in the head since they died and most of the work around the farm was done by me! You clueless fucking bastard, how dare you assume my brother is a coward when, had he been as he was before the accident, would have been one of the first men to sign their names up to fight. My brother was the most honourable and brave man there was and it's not his fault that his life was stolen away from him by something that the doctors cannot explain! So yes, I'm guilty of posing as a man and fighting in his place, I'm guilty of lying to you and endangering you and the men, I'm guilty of saving my brother's life. But I'm not fucking sorry, and I'd do it again in a second. There is not a soul on this planet whom I love more than I love Charlie, we shared a womb, a life and goddammit if we won't die together."

When Vivian was finished shouting her throat felt hoarse and broken, tears were still cascading down her cheeks and she panted rapidly as she gazed at Tom's shocked face. 

"I'm so sorry Ch-Vivian, please forgive me and the things I said. They were spoken from a place of ignorance and fear. I never thought I would have to think about what to do about something such as this. I'm just very worried, not only for you but for the men and your brother."

"It's fine, I should have said something to you months ago instead of continuing to allow you to be in danger because of me. Look, I can desert, I can defect and try and find my way back home to lay low until the war is over. I don't have to put you or the men into anymore undue danger." 

"No! If you defect the chances of you being discovered is even more likely, and the first place they will look is at your parents' farm, where I guarantee you will not reach before they do. The only thing we can do is continue as we have until this war is over or we're finally sent home, whichever of the two come first." 

Vivian felt all of the tension and stress that had been building in her body since she began this mad scheme leave her body in a second, her limbs fell limp and she collapsed to the forest floor. She began to sob in relief and gratitude that she would not have to leave what small amount of security she had here, that she wouldn't have to risk Charlie's life more than she already was. Vivian felt Tom kneel next to her and felt the hesitance of his arms as they wound their way around her shaking form, she sighed heavily as his warmth encased her and she felt herself leaning against him, as herself for the first time and not as Charlie. 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the lateness of this chapter! I've been dealing with probably the lowest point of my life; my boyfriend of one and a half years broke up with me, my parents all but disowned me and I was kicked out of my sharehouse. But I've been throwing myself into writing poetry lately to cope with all my dark thoughts and I realised it had been ages since I updated. So please, I hope you enjoy this and can forgive me.

Being held in Tom's arms was the most reassuring feeling in the world, they could have been in the middle of a hurricane and she would have felt completely at ease. But she could feel the tension in his arms and she knew she had forever fractured the bond between them, he no longer trusted her and the only reason he would help her was for the sake of his men. She was still crying as she thought back to all of the strife and pain they had been through together, wishing she had never fallen asleep beside him did her no good at all. Finally, as her sobs subsided she pulled away from Tom and got back on her feet brushing the debris of the forest floor from her trousers. Tom gazed at her with what she thought was concern but she couldn't quite tell, without saying a word he turned away and began walking back to the encampment, Vivian couldn't bear the sight of him walking away from so she turned around and counted to twenty before she followed him back into camp. When she reached the camp she made her way over to the tent that had been pitched for their unit. Upon checking the interior she saw that none of her fellow soldiers were there, but that made sense, there were plenty of pretty nurses here.

She made her way over to the mess hall and grab a bowl of porridge, she found a quiet table near the canvas wall of the large tent and contentedly sat there in the quiet eating her breakfast. Loud boisterous laughter drew her attention to a table in the middle of the tent where she saw most of her mates sitting and eating, enjoying the company of several nurses. Smiling and shaking her head she was turning back to her food when the distinguishable strawberry blonde of Tom's hair caught her eye, his head was thrown back as he laughed his unique laugh and she felt her heart clench at the vision. In his lap sat a very pretty woman who couldn't have been more than twenty-four, her graceful arm was wrapped around Tom's broad shoulders to keep her balance and her bell peal of laughter reached Vivian's ears easily. Her nurses hat was resting on the table and her ebony curls were perfectly shaped that left no doubt she had spent the night with her hair in curlers. Her lips were painted red and she had a swept black mascara through her long eyelashes, this woman was as beautiful as a porcelain doll, she'd probably never worked a labour job a day in her life. Vivian's mind drifted back to the day she had seen Tom's letter, the woman it had been addressed to and now she wondered if she was his sweetheart after all. While it was entirely possible that she was his sweetheart, it was just inconceivable to Vivian that Tom would dishonour any relationship that he would have. This was worse, seeing him enjoying the company of a very pretty little thing, allowing her to sit in his lap and laughing at her jokes, Vivian felt sick with envy and she felt like the biggest ass. Of course he would be interested in gorgeous nurses, of course he would encourage them to sit in his lap despite there being plenty of chairs available. Vivian squashed the feelings that were welling up in her breast, she couldn't let herself become upset about a man who not only was furious with her but someone who was so completely out of her reach. 

Vivian was working class, all she had to her name was a farm, she'd never thought much of her looks besides, while she would consider herself pretty, she felt very common. She was too much of a stick to be considered sultry and her hands were coarse with blisters from years of hard work. She was completely at ease wrestling in the mud with the farm hands, riding horses to the point of being unable to walk afterwards, she could out shoot any boy in the village and she knew how to skin a rabbit in minutes. She would never know how to make her voice seductive, how to enthral men with a toss of her hair or know how to buy the prettiest dress to impress a man with. Her comfort was in the woods, leading her horses through the brush, hunting for her food and swimming in rivers. Vivian almost choked on the thick paste that the porridge had congealed into within her mouth, she'd forgotten to swallow her food and had been sitting there watching the scene before her, her mouth full of food. Utterly disgusted with herself, she made her way to the wash up station and quickly soaped and rinsed her bowl and spoon, turning around she kept her eyes low to the ground and scampered out of the tent as quickly as he was able. 

Deciding that she was sick of hanging around the camp, with its loud people and cramped spaces, she made her way into the forest again. For hours she just wandered through the woods, identifying the plants she could and wondering about the ones she couldn't. When she felt her stomach grumble with hunger she decided to try and see what she could catch out there. Keeping her eyes peeled she walked quietly through the bush, her boots barely making a whisper, she drew her knife out and kept walking hoping for something to hunt. After a half hour she came across a rabbit warren, grabbing a rock in her left hand she threw it down into the dirt tunnel and waited with baited breath, knife ready for the rabbit to appear. Within seconds it was hopping slowly out of its home and with a quick inhale she flicked her wrist and watched as the knife spun threw the air and embedded itself in the neck of the poor thing. She quickly ran over and slit the throat of the animal so it wouldn't suffer needlessly, she examined her prey and was pleased with her catch, it was a fat little thing, and she would get a very decent meal out of it. Holding it by its rear legs she walked back towards camp, much happier at the thought of a good meal. On her way back she searched for some firewood and kindling and buy the time she was back by their tent she had a nice haul under her arms. She dumped the wood by her feet and lay the rabbit on the grass, kneeling she began to dig a fire pit with her hands, when it was about a half metre apart she put the small amount of beard moss in the middle then covered it in pieces of bark leaving little gaps to light. She grabbed the box of matches from her pocket and struck a match, holding it to the lichen it immediately went up, catching light she covered the gaps with more bark and when that started to burn she added small twigs and branches. Before too long she had a merry blaze going and the larger pieces were slowly creating the coals she would need to roast her rabbit. 

While Vivian waited for the fire to grow bigger she made a spit out of a long thick piece of unravelled wire she had found at the trench and kept, and two large branches. Hearing footsteps crunching the grass she looked over her shoulder and saw her merry band of soldiers and women heading towards her, Tom and his nurse included. Sighing she turned back towards her task and secured the wire to the branches by wrapping the ends around the wood, she felt Miller's heavy hand clap on her shoulder as he looked at what she was doing. 

"What have you got there, Sinclair?" 

"I knew you were sheltered, Miller, but surely you know a rabbit when you see one," Vivian joked, grinning up at the laughing man and the rest of the group. 

"You wound me," he replied, his eyes glittering with humour. He dropped to the ground and pulled his lady into his side and Vivian almost groaned as she realised they were going to join her. They formed a circle around the fire and watched Vivian finish setting up her spit. 

"I take it you haven't heard about the party tonight then?" Miller said. 

"What party?" Vivian asked, picking up her rabbit and grabbing her knife, thank God the blade was sharp. 

"The nurses are throwing a party for the soldier tonight, good food, good drinks and good company. Should've saved the rabbit for another night," Miller replied. 

"More for the rest of you, I suppose," Vivian quipped, not sorry that she now had an excuse not to socialise with the rest of them. 

She grabbed her rabbit by the feet and made cuts at the feet, putting her knife down she began to tug the skin up, the white fur revealing the red flesh below. The nurse sitting by Tom's side made a disgusted sound as Vivian continued to tug at the rabbit. Tom laughed at her reaction and pulled her closer, and Vivian angrily tugged at the skin until it was off. Turning the rabbit on its back she slit open the stomach gently and pulled out the innards of the rabbit, this garnered a retch from the nurse and Vivian took a sick pleasure in her discomfort, until she saw the woman burying her face into Tom's arm. She quickly threw all the viscera into the fire and then she stuck the rabbit with the spit, threading it through until the animal was good and skewered. Leaning over the blaze she staked the branched into the ground so that they were secured and left the rabbit hang over the fire, pleased with her work she wiped her bloody hands on the rag by her feet and sat back down, gazing into the flames. 

Before too long the delicious smell of cooking meat wafted over to them and the everyone began to sniff appreciatively. Vivian accepted the praise she received for her resourcefulness with a small smile but she said nothing. She wanted Tom's praise not theirs, but he was just sitting there with his nurse in his arms, gazing at the fire. 

"So, did you set a trap?" Hill asked. 

"No, I scared the rabbit out of its warren then threw my knife." 

"You can throw knives?" Miller asked, incredulous. 

"Of course, I've been practising with one since I was twelve," Vivian replied. 

"Show us then! Hit that tree there!" He requested excitedly. 

Sighing and knowing that she wouldn't be allowed to not perform she stood, pulling the knife from her belt and took aim. The distance was about ten metres and the trunk was quite slim, closing one eye Vivian held her knife by the blade, deciding that if she showed off she wouldn't have to do it again. Flicking her wrist in a well-practised motion, she released her hand and watched in expectation as the knife flew through the air and found its mark. Miller whooped loudly and jumped to his feet and ran over to the tree, she watched with pride as he almost struggled to pull the knife from the wood.  

"Christ, you don't half throw it do you?" 

"Can you hit the same mark again?" The lady on Tom's side asked, almost bored. 

Vivian sighed and held her hand out for the knife which Miller delightedly passed over to her. She turned so that her back was to the tree, then she spun on her heel, throwing the knife and watching in satisfaction as the knife embedded itself into the trunk once again. Miller was joined by the rest of the men this time, including Tom, in roaring their appreciation. 

"Did it find its mark?" Tom inquired, leaning up on his knees to get a better look and disturbing his dame in the process. Vivian grinned as she watched the woman recover from almost falling from where she had been resting her full weight against Tom. 

Miller walked back to the tree and he turned around with a maniacal happiness in his eyes, "He bloody did it! Barely half an inch between the marks!" 

Vivian let the second wave of excited shouts wash over her as Miller returned her knife to her. She didn't know why everyone was so impressed, yes she could hit a target but she'd seen her father take down a wild boar with only his knife. 

"I guess the lesson here is that we don't fuck with Sinclair," Hill laughed. Vivian just blushed and checked on her rabbit, the outside was crisping nicely now but it had a long while to go yet. 

* * *

 

After eating the rabbit by herself next to the fire Vivian had planned to write in her journal but Miller had come by and swung her up and over his shoulder, not taking no for an answer and personally delivering her to where the festivities were in full swing. He dropped her on her feet and she looked around at the laughing crowd of her mates and their partners for the night, Tom was laughing good naturedly at the spectacle but he was making a point to not look in her direction. It felt like a punch to the gut, she couldn't stand the thought of him hating her but she supposed she'd have to get used to it. A pint of dark stout was shoved into her hands and she lifted the glass to her mouth before she could think, she needed this, she needed to be drunk enough that Tom's indifference towards her wouldn't cut so deep. So she drank deeply and enjoyed the taste of roasted hops on her tongue, her large gulps soothed the pain in her chest. Miller was lighting himself a cigarette and Vivian asked if she could have one, wanting to know what it tasted like, he smiled and gave her the one he had just lit and she inhaled the smoke, the taste was strange and a little unpleasant but she felt a pleasant spinning come over her and she decided that she liked smoking, or at least, she like it while she was drinking. 

Some of the men were taking their ladies onto the dance floor but Vivian remained with the rest enjoying her beer and her first cigarette. Once she had finished her drink another was replaced by a grinning Miller and she returned the smile gratefully. She could already feel the first tendrils of inebriation tingling in her belly, she'd only been drunk one other time, on the ship crossing the Channel, so she was happy to be feeling this way again. Miller whipped out a bottle from his jacket and brandished it to her, she looked at the label and read whiskey before she shrugged, grabbed the bottle and began drinking the amber liquid, it burned and sizzled her throat but she kept gulping, enjoying the feeling it left. When she finished Miller was looking very impressed, not to be outdone he grabbed the bottle back and did the same, Vivian laughed at his boyish competitiveness and felt the ground move beneath her. She felt incredible, everything was bright and beautiful and she had such a light feeling in her chest. Tom was looking at her strangely but she couldn't find it in herself to care at all. 

Miller threw his arm around her shoulders and led her over to the where the couples were dancing, within seconds she found herself dancing with a pretty nurse. She had to concentrate a bit more as she was the one leading but she soon found it to be a lot easier than the female role and she and the nurse began having a wild old time. On and on they spun around, giggling like children and only pausing to have another drink. Eventually, Vivian felt entirely too dizzy to dance so she passed the nurse over to a shy looking soldier and she stumbled out into the crisp night air. Inhaling deeply Vivian drunkenly walked towards the water pump nearby and ladled water into her dry mouth, the first caress of the cool liquid on her tongue was heavenly and she drank deeply, she ladled more water into her mouth before turning away from the pump. Deciding that the stars deserved to be looked at she found a very quiet patch of grass, obscured from the tent by a bush and fell down on the ground, laughing as she turned onto her back and looking in wonderment up at the galaxy. 

Vivian heard footsteps but she paid them no mind as she began tracing the outline of the Milky Way with her finger tips. Her view of the night sky was abruptly obscured by a dark face leaning over her. Realising it was Tom she began to laugh at how funny his face looked upside down.

"Well fancy seeing you here, what's so funny?"

He moved to her side and lay down next to her, she turned her head to see him and felt her belly tighten at the sharpness of his profile. He was so beautiful.

"Looking at the stars, they demanded my attention," Vivian replied, looking back at the stars.

"Hmm have they now? Well they certainly look beautiful. I saw how much you drank before, you'll be regretting it tomorrow."

"Ah, is that why you're here, because you think I'll let my secret slip if you don't babysit me?"

"Well it's not such an outrageous thing to think, you must admit."

"I suppose so. But it feels so incredible being drunk, I feel brilliant," Vivian gushed, before breaking out into delighted laughter.

"It does feel good to be drunk, I'll give you that."

"I think I understand why people would kiss while drunk, that would feel amazing. Does it?"

"Yes it does," Tom replied, his tone a bit off.

"You know I'm not sure I've ever enjoyed a kiss from a man, Adelina was a good kisser but that hardly counts does it?"

"Well I'm sure you'll have plenty of those when you get home," Tom murmured.

"Perhaps. I may die though, that's a very real possibility."

Tom's hand reached out for her face in the dim light and turned her so she was facing him. "I will do everything in my power to guarantee that that won't happen."

"But you can't promise that, no one can," Vivian whispered, tears pricking her eyes. 

"Well then I suppose we'll just have to make sure you've been good and kissed by a man," Tom replied, his voice husky.

Vivian was just about to point out the impossibility of that when Tom's lips caressed hers in the sweetest kiss she had ever received. She gasped at the softness of his lips and he used that to nudge her mouth to open wider with his tongue, she moaned deep in her throat at the feeling of his tongue brushing against hers, he tasted like whiskey and she began to greedily lick the taste in his mouth. It was Tom's turn to moan as she deepened the kiss in her eagerness to get more of the taste. His hands cradled her face and move to grasp at the short tendrils of her hair, tugging at the tufts of ebony hair that was left on her head. She gasped in pleasure and slanted her mouth so that their tongues could lick at each other and Tom groaned as he pulled her closer to him. One of his hands moved down and gripped her hip and pulled her until their bodies were pressed against him, she could feel the warmth of his body and as she moved her leg it brushed the firm hardness of his trousers. Never had she gone this far with a man, she loved every second that he was touching her and she moved her hand to tug at his hair, gripping it and relishing his moan of appreciation.

Then just like that he pulled away and moved so that they were no longer entangled in each other. Vivian swallowed her disappointment, part of her wanted to pull him in for more but another part realised that this was the right thing to do, their situation didn't need to be anymore complicated than it already was. She smiled at him gently and pressed a kiss to his forehead before she got to her feet and walked away, every fibre in her body telling her to turn around, to go back to his arms and ever leave his warmth. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought that the last chapter was far too happy and mushy for my tastes and I love writing angst so much so please enjoy the emotional turmoil!

When Vivian came to the next morning it was with great difficulty and pain, her head was splitting in half and her eyeballs were pulsing with every heartbeat. She crawled out of the tent and rested her head on the damp dew laden grass, her clammy forehead finding relief in the cool droplets. There was a hush over the entire camp, it seemed there would be more than a few people with hangovers that day and she probably wasn't the worst. As she lay with her head bent over touching the grass, memories from last night slowly came back to her, like milk being mixed into tea it slowly combined. She smiled as she remembered lying in the grass and Tom finding her, how they had laid there together looking up at the stars. Vivian remembered the heated kiss they had shared and a warmth returned to her cheeks that had nothing to do with her hangover, she remembered feeling Tom's manhood pressed against her thigh and she almost moaned as she recalled what it had felt like to be the cause of his reaction. 

At last she no longer felt like she was going to pass out and she headed towards the dining tent. All about there were men passed out on the ground and she thanked her lucky stars that she had managed to reach her tent before blacking out. The tent was unsurprisingly quiet, so she had her pick of the breakfast food, she loaded her plate up with bacon and eggs, sausages, tomatoes, toast and white pudding. She sat down and dug into the hearty meal, groaning at how good it all tasted, she washed it down with the fresh orange juice that would run out before the food would and relished the fresh zesty taste of it. She was about to finish her plate of food when Miller slumped into the chair next to her. 

"Well don't you look beautiful today, such a glow to your skin," Vivian joked. 

Miller groaned loudly and slowly opened his eyes to look at her in mock annoyance, "Piss off, Sinclair. You don't look too great either." 

Vivian just laughed and shook her head at his weak attempt at banter. She was about to get up and return her plate when Miller's head shot up excitedly and with a wicked gleam in his eye. 

"Guess where our young gentleman of a Captain wandered off to last night?" 

Vivian felt her blood go cold, he didn't see them did he? She had thought the bush had provided enough cover from prying eyes but maybe she had been wrong. 

"Where?" she forced out, her mouth dry. 

"Saw him enter the tent of that pretty nurse he'd been with all day, didn't come out for a while either, I was sitting next to the fire not too far away so I had a decent view. Can tell you, he definitely had some difficulty buttoning his shirt back up," Miller said, guffawing loudly. 

Vivian felt like she'd been punched in the gut, this had to have been after Tom and her had kissed for she had been in the tent with the dancing up until then just as he had. She forced herself to laugh along with Miller but internally she felt her heart breaking, she'd thought that maybe they would find a way to be together, if not now then certainly after the war ended. But now she just felt like an idiotic girl, believing all the romance novels she read, Tom didn't feel anything for her, he was just using her until he could have the real prize. Swallowing back tears she excused herself from Miller's company and he let her go believing she was going to be sick. Vivian had no idea what she looked like but she felt as if she was going to explode, either in anger or tears she didn't know. As she walked away from the tent, no direction in mind, she saw Tom and his nurse coming towards her, she quickly avoided them and took a sharp turn back towards the forest but not before she met Tom's eyes. The cold indifference she saw in them was what broke the dam, and she quickly walked away with her head down as the tears began spilling over her cheeks. 

She reached the forest and she kept walking until she found a log to sit on. When she was off her feet she began to sob, she felt like the biggest fool this world had ever seen, how could she have been so gullible? How could she believe that her feelings for Tom were in any way reciprocated? Her world felt like it had gone off kilter, she felt so trapped in her situation and now she didn't know even if Tom would keep her secret, wouldn't it just be easier to give her up and beg forgiveness from his superiors? He didn't owe her anything and he certainly didn't care about her, that much was clear. 

Vivian realised that they still had another week here, or until Tom was fighting fit again and she didn't know how she was going to survive seeing him around the camp with the nurse. She groaned loudly, the sound echoing into the surrounding forest, disappearing without a trace that it was ever there. Wiping her tears away from her cheeks she slowly got up to her feet and trudged her way back towards the tents. Vivian knew deep in her heart that from now on, in order to survive she would need to keep her distance from Tom, everything would be strictly business; she wouldn't associate with him outside of the necessary interactions. 

Reaching camp she realised that the only places where she would be guaranteed to not see Tom would be in the tent and the forest. So she went to her sleeping mat and started writing in her journal, needing to distract herself from everything she was feeling, she was hoping that she would be able to write her feelings down and then just forget about them. But when she started writing she just started thinking about Charlie and how much she wanted to see his face. She couldn't believe that it had almost been seven months since she had held him in her arms last, she longed to smell his hair, that mix of honey and fresh straw that made her feel so secure. She wanted to tell him everything that had been going on in her life, she wanted him to smile with that beautiful smile of his, she wanted to see him play with the foals in Spring. Vivian just wanted to be back at the farm, to see the rolling green hills of her home and be back on the farm doing the normal, menial tasks that she used to do. 

Needing air she walked out of the tent and began a slow circle of the camp, keeping her eyes peeled for Tom so she would have enough time to hide. She felt like such a hopeless coward but avoiding him was so much easier than seeing that disdain in his eyes, to see him smile and kiss another woman. Vivian was steadily walking through camp, looking in at the various campfires, smiling at those men she knew but not stopping to say hello, she didn't feel like speaking to anyone ever again, she didn't want to give anyone a chance to break her heart again. She was about to start her way back to her tent when she heard someone calling her name, she turned around and saw Tom striding purposely towards her. Cursing under breath but knowing she couldn't avoid an outright confrontation with him she made her face purposely blank and waited with her arms held behind her back, the at ease position. 

Tom approached her and she couldn't help the clench in her heart when she saw how dressed down he was, the top few buttons were undone on his shirt and she could see the strawberry blonde curls that smattered his chest lightly. He was so effortlessly handsome and she wanted to kick herself about how attractive she still believed him to be. 

"Supplies just arrived from the Red Cross and I need you to make sure that everyone in the unit has the right amount of of stuff to put in their pack ready for when we deploy. There'll be an itemised list of what we all need at the station and if you could just fill the tea chests that'd be great," Tom said, his voice like honey. 

"Yes sir, was there anything else you needed done sir?" Vivian asked, her voice clipped and short. 

Tom jerked his head back and gave her a strange look, she saw him looking her over as if trying to find a visible problem with her and she bristled under the unwarranted attention. 

"Something the matter, Sinclair?" Tom asked, his tone slightly cooler than before. 

"No, nothing sir." 

"Why are you referring to me so formally then?" Tom inquired, his mouth twisting slightly in a pout. 

Vivian wanted to scream that she was only doing what he had said but instead she calmly replied, "I'm only doing what you asked of me, sir. To refer to you formally as I am not a real soldier and therefore have no basis upon which to call you by your Christian name." 

Tom's brow furrowed and his eyes turned to slits, "I thought we had solved that situation. Is this to do with last night? Because Sinclair the last thing I need is for you to add more drama to our unit than you've already provided."

"This has nothing to do with last night, sir. As far as I'm concerned last night meant and was nothing at all. I'm just trying to be as professional as you ordered. If you are unhappy with my efforts then please direct me in how you would see fit. However, if that is all then I will bid you good bye and see to those duties you asked of me," Vivian said, taking pleasure in watching Tom's mouth fall open slightly in shock.

 _Good,_ she thought,  _now he knows a fraction of the hurt I feel._ When Tom said nothing more she gave him a curt nod and turned away from him, setting off towards the supply tent and leaving Tom standing there looking lost.  


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that it's taken quite literally ages for me to publish this chapter. A lot has been happening in my life but I never wanted to give up on this story so here you are. Please forgive its lateness and stay tuned for more to come eventually.

Vivian could no longer spend too much time with the rest of the men in her troop as Tom was more often than not with them. This made things very lonely for her so she spent most of her time wandering around the forest, sometimes hunting other times just thinking as she walked. Tom had managed to make her feel isolated and she despised him for it, she was sure that he was glad of her absence but she couldn't help but curse the unfairness of it all. The other men had stopped calling out for her to join them, it hadn't taken long for them to pick up on her mood. Soon they barely acknowledged her presence if they passed each other. Vivian felt guilty that she was no longer spending time with the men who had become her friends, but it couldn't be helped, she simply could not be around Tom and his nurse who was seldom seen off his arm. 

It was a particularly hot day as Vivian walked through the quiet forest, she had walked further than ever before and she was beginning to think about turning back for camp when she heard the sound of water. Walking forward she passed through a copse of cedar trees and came out in a small clearing before a water hole. The pool was fairly small but it had a little creek feeding it so the water looked fresh and clear. Without a thought Vivian began to undress, not worried about being seen so far away from the base. When she was down to nothing but her skin she stepped forward and dipped her foot in the water, it was colder than she thought but that didn't stop her from walking forward until she was submerged up to her waist. The cold seeped into her bones and she felt her nipples harden in the breeze. The water didn't seem to get any deeper so she just stood there relishing the feeling of being in the water. She dove under water and swam a few metres, her head protesting against the cold of the water. When she came up for air she heard a branch break and she turned towards the direction where her clothes lay on the ground. Craning her neck she strived to see what had caused the noise. 

Then Tom's head broke through the brush of the undergrowth and Vivian froze where she was as his eyes fell on her. His eyes widened as they took in her naked form and she was so shocked she couldn't even think to cover her breasts she just stood frozen under his gaze. Vivian saw his eyes traverse her body, dragging slowly over her breasts with their hardened peaks and she was suddenly glad that the water came up to her waist. Neither of them said a thing, sure that if they spoke some sort of spell would be broken and the moment lost. She finally had the wherewithal to cover herself and as she brought her arms up to cover herself Tom seemed to break out of his trance and he hastily cleared his throat and turned away. 

"You shouldn't be wandering so far away from camp. Something might happen to you and no one would know." 

Vivian was satisfied that he couldn't see her so she slowly made her way back onto the bank and pulled her trousers back on. 

"I know how to handle myself in a forest, I grew up on a farm," She replied as she rewound the bandage around her chest.

"Yes but anything could happen, we are in a war you know." 

Vivian said nothing as she buttoned up her shirt, when she was finally dressed she walked forward and stood in front of Tom. He met her eyes and his cheeks seemed to redden as if she were still standing naked before him. 

"I've gone into the forest nearly every day and nothing ever happened to me." 

"Yes well you never know when something might happen, that's why I've had to follow you in here every time you've gone in."

This was not welcome news to Vivian, she had believed she had been alone when coming into the forest when actually Tom had been following her. But she couldn't say anything, she was lucky Tom wasn't punishing her for leaving the camp in the first place. Without a word she began to walk back to the base, too angry to say anything that wouldn't get her into trouble. She heard Tom following and she cursed herself for not hearing him before today. 

When they got back to the camp it was already time for lunch, Vivian walked to the cafeteria and grabbed her tray. Miller waved her down so she had no choice but to sit at the table with Tom and his pretty nurse. She didn't contribute to the conversation but ate in silence, listening to the others talk. It wasn't until Tom's nurse spoke that she even looked up from her plate. 

"Well boys, tonight's our last night here. We're getting transferred to another camp where our help is much more needed." 

Vivian sneaked a glance at Tom to gauge his reaction to the news but he gave no hint that he was surprised by this. 

"What? Whatever will we do without such fine company!" Miller moaned dramatically. The nurse sitting in his lap giggled at this and Vivian hid her smile with her fork.

"Well you must go where you're needed," Tom said, smiling at the nurses.  

With lunch they received one half pint of dark beer and Vivian caught Miller taking a swig of hers. 

"Hey! That's mine, you've already had yours!" 

"I'm bigger than you, I need it more," Miller replied, laughing.

Vivian snatched the mug out of his hand and put it back on the table. 

"I'll arm wrestle you for it," Miller said, grinning. 

She knew she would lose but she refused to be cowed. Vivian placed her elbow on the table and held up her hand for Miller to take. Laughing out loud, at how easy this would be no doubt, Miller took her hand and she almost laughed at how his hand almost entirely swallowed hers up. 

"Three, two, one, go!" Hill said. 

Vivian used all her strength and more a few seconds she was able to hold her own against Miller but then her strength ran out and he smashed her hand into the table. Everyone laughed at the show and Vivian grudgingly handed her beer back to Miller who immediately downed it. 

"Looks like we've established who the runt of the litter is," Tom's nurse said, giggling nastily.

No one else laughed at this and Tom slowly turned to look at her with a thinly veiled annoyance on his features. 

"This  _runt_ has saved my life twice and I would not be sitting her if it hadn't been for him," Tom said. 

This wiped the smile off her pretty face and Vivian felt pride that Tom hadn't forgotten what she had done for him. For the rest of lunch, no matter what the nurse did or said she couldn't capture Tom's attention and Vivian walked back to her tent with a huge smile on her face. 

For the rest of the afternoon Vivian stayed in her tent reading a book from the poorly stocked shelf in the recreation tent. She was still angry at Tom but she had forgiven him the tiniest bit for how he had come to her defence and for the way he had ignored the nurse for the rest of the meal. She was so absorbed in the book that she didn't notice someone was slapping the entrance of her tent in an awkward replacement for knocking. 

"Sinclair, are you awake?" It was Tom. 

Vivian grunted a reply and quickly exited the tent wondering what Tom would want. 

"Yes sir?" 

"Can I have a word with you?" Tom asked, he looked slightly flushed. 

"Of course." 

Vivian followed Tom away from the other tents but soon became worried when she saw they were approaching the forest. What could he possibly want to talk about that couldn't be said in camp? Her mind began to fly through the possibilities, one particular reason she kept coming back to was that he could no longer keep her secret and he would be reporting her to his superiors. They hadn't gone very far into the woods but far enough that the tents could no longer be seen when Tom came to an abrupt stop. 

Tom cleared his throat and looked away from her. 

"I've been thinking and I think I know why you've been so mad at me." 

Vivian opened her mouth to say that she wasn't really that mad anymore but he held up his hand to silence her. 

"It's because I've been spending all my time with Caitlin isn't it?" 

Vivian's cheeks reddened, she hated to be thought of as nothing more than a jealous woman. Tom smiled at her as if he could read her mind and he stepped closer, taking her hand in his and catching her by surprise. 

"I had to make everyone think I fancied her, I couldn't very well let everyone think I cared about you too much. I'm so sorry that I made you think she could even hold a candle to you. The truth is, I've barely thought of anything since our kiss and I'd very much like to kiss you again if that's alright." 

She couldn't believe her ears, Tom had been so convincing in his infatuation with the nurse she could not help but admire his acting prowess. She had barely nodded her head before Tom's mouth fell upon hers. She moaned as his soft lips coaxed her mouth open and his tongue slipped in, lapping at her own tongue and making her feel it deep within her belly. Tom's hands came up to cradle her face as he brought his mouth down upon hers, his mouth commanding hers. She wound her arms behind his head and felt herself being lifted to lean up against a tree trunk, her legs hugging Tom's hips. From here she was taller than him so she used this to her advantage and took charge of the kiss, she grabbed Tom's face and lay siege to his mouth, plundering it with her tongue. Tom moaned deep in his throat at the role reversal and he began to move his hips, grinding his steadily growing bulge against her core. She gasped out loud and Tom took charge once more sucking her tongue into his mouth before driving his tongue back into her mouth for her to do the same. He pulled away and Vivian swallowed disappointment believing that to be the end but then his mouth trailed down her neck pressing kisses into her skin and gently sucking. She pulled his face back to hers and they both groaned at the urgency of the kiss, the desperation to swallow each other. 

"God, I want you so much, Vivian," Tom moaned in her ear, sucking her lobe into his mouth and she bucked her hips at that making him groan loudly. 

He let her slip down to the ground again but still kept her pressed against the tree. She felt his hands brush up her sides and then under her shirt, his hands found the bandage and he quickly began to unwind the cloth. When he was finally touching her skin his hands began to rub her breasts, his fingers plucking at her nipples. Vivian moaned into his mouth only inviting her tongue in deeper, she had never been handled this way and she adored it. He pulled her shirt up and brought his mouth down to suck and lick her hardened nipples. This made her bury her fingers into his hair and pull him closer to her chest. 

"I've wanted to do this since I saw you standing there naked. My god, Vivian, you're so beautiful." 

Vivian brought him back up so that she could kiss him again, and she felt his hands move down to her trousers. 

"May I?" Tom asked, polite as ever.

Curious about what he would do now she could only nod. She waited, panting, as his hands undid the fastening on her pants and his right hand slid into her underwear. She gasped when his fingers touched her wet core. No one had ever touched her here and she moaned as his middle finger began to stroke her nub. Pleasure exploded behind her eyes and she leaned her head back against the trunk as his fingers continued to rub her. Tom's mouth came back to her and he sucked her bottom lip into his mouth, licking it with his tongue. Before long his finger had moved to stroke down the length of her core and it teased at the entrance, he pulled back to look into her eyes, there was a question burning in them and she nodded without question. His finger dove inside her and she gasped as it filled her up and touched against something deep inside that lit a spark in her belly. His thumb moved up to rub her clit and this combined with his middle finger pumping inside her built up a pressure in her body. He kissed away her moans and his hand moved faster as her breaths began to quicken more and more. Without warning Vivian exploded in pleasure, her vision went white and all that was tying her to earth was Tom's mouth and hand. He gradually went slower until she stopped gasping and the pleasure abated leaving behind a tingling throb in her nether regions. Tom's mouth came down upon hers again but this time it was a sweet and unhurried kiss with little kitten licks. He took his hand out of her trousers and she gasped as his finger left her feeling empty, she almost cried out when he brought his fingers to his lips and began to suck her essence of them. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment but he just moaned and continued to lick them clean. 

"You taste divine darling," he groaned. 

Vivian blushed again and hid her face in her hands. She felt his hands take her away and he gazed down into her eyes with more warmth than she had ever seen in them.

"Don't be ashamed of the most natural thing in the world." 


End file.
